Larry the Priest & Joey Ratz, a parable.

So what do taxes, prisons, Christmas at the in-laws and the Roman Catholic Church all have in common? - they are all, apparently, really hard to get out of. In fact, perhaps the Guiness Book World Record hard thing to get out of may be the Catholic priesthood.

Go ahead - commit the most heinous act of sexual perversion on a child and see if they let you loosen that collar. OK, please - don't do that - it's been done to death already. The only thing surer than a conservative TV anchor's self promotion is the fact that there's always another Catholic priest atrocity waiting to be discovered by the press - and swept under the massive carpet of the church. (Speaking of which, apparently the Vatican has the Guiness World Record most massive carpet to have things swept under record.)

So today let's tell a story. A parable of sorts. It's the story of a man who calls himself a "man of God" (though we think God would take exception). He is a priest named Lawrence C. Murphy. One day Larry, as it seems, found himself in charge of a school for deaf children in Wisconsin. And that is where, as a trusted authority figure and devout Catholic, Larry the priest systematically sexually molested 200 of his charges.

In the real world that you and I live in, where we have this crazy democratic process we call "the rule of law", we would label such abhorrent behavior "pedophilia", defined by Merriam-Webster as "sexual perversion in which children are the preferred sexual object". And further, through the wisdom of our democracy's founders in creating a secular government, we have laws against such things. But are we so bold to say what's right and wrong when the guy in charge of the priest turns out to have the very ear of God? We'll get back to God's hearing problem in a moment...

It turns out that Father Larry wasn't too hot on being kicked out of the priest's clubhouse for his deviant proclivities - and, perhaps preferring a wrist smacking over the laymen's more suitable tar and feathering, Larry simply wrote a note to his boss (then "His Eminence Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger", they like words like "eminence" in the Catholic Church, we'll just make the name easier to remember - let's call him Joey Ratz.)

Larry's brief note of contrition to Joey Ratz (which came many years after the horror inflicted on these kids), asked for "lenience" - "I simply want to live out the time that I have left in the dignity of my priesthood. I ask your kind assistance in this matter." Joey Ratz's answer - which should have been something like "Yeah, well people in hell want ice water" - was actually more like, "Ahh, sure. No prob. Let's send ya somewhere nice. Now get back to work you knucklehead." (PS. "Dignity" - ha! good one. You almost made me spit my communion wine all over the alter.")

The epilog of the story - (ya gotta imagine De Niro's voice doin' this) - "Just when you think you've done something so disgusting that you're out - they pull ya back in!... and slap your wrist and send you somewhere quiet and relaxing to pretend God's just fine with it all. Oh, sin you sinners! Hallelujah!

And so the ending of our story has Larry going somewhere nice to live out his days in the quiet peacefulness of never having to face his victims. In fact, good 'ol Father Larry was cozied into a spot where he couldn't see the faces or hear the pleas or touch the sweat of nightmares that came and played in each of his victim's every night of sleep. Certainly he was left to face his own demons and we can leave it only to faith that they were unrelenting. Oh, and Joey Ratz - they made him Pope.

And as for God's ear? Just like a long swim in the backyard pool, we imagine God's jumping around heaven on one foot trying to shake the Pope out of his head.

The End... of faith as we wish we knew it.