Satire is Reason

Fallon & Timberlake try to make you forget they're white.

2010-10-04T11:54:00.004-04:00

Just to prove that if you write long enough you'll probably write something you never thought you would - like...

Hey, here's some pretty funny Jimmy Fallon.

Actually Fallon brings something to his material that too many miss, a real sense of fun to performing. Justin Timberlake continues to build an entire career on that idea. So here, enjoy two guys just having some fun doing something they're obviously enjoying... making for one of those very rare, late-night magical moments.

Tony Heywood to launch slick new Surf competition!

2010-08-09T13:40:00.010-04:00

Though the well's been static killed and the cement is hardening in the pipes, don't believe for an instant that former "spill czar" Tony Heywood is heading to Russia's hinterlands. What actually seems to be the case is that when Heywood famously complained to Louisiana locals that he wanted his life back, he was actually envisioning a life as a pioneering sports entrepreneur, with his feet, and some say head, buried deep in oil coated sand.

Just in time for the summer/fall swell in Gulf shore wave crests, Heywood is launching a new twist to a sport that is a shoreline tradition, surfing. Or that is, Slick Surfing, a slippery board-sliding spin on hanging ten and shooting the pipeline. Taking advantage of the thick raw crude that has mixed with gulf sea water, Heywood is promising a surfing competition circuit more challenging and entertaining than any before.

Asked if recent developments in stopping the flow of crude from the Deep Horizon disaster will hamper his efforts, Heywood commented, "Actually, we've got more than enough oil content right now in the Gulf, what with more than 5 million barrels spilled, even with what's been cleaned up, we're confident that there's still more than enough out there to make for great conditions over the two months of competition."

Heywood enthusiasm continued, "We're ready to to utilize the same type of skimming operation that's already been used, to round up stray oil and redeploy it closer to beaches in areas we may need it. On a good day we should see quite a bit hitting the beach with our riders and with the overwhelming amount of dispersant in the water, the thick clingy oil patches are thinning and spreading nicely. The boards get coated with the stuff and they get slippery as hell. This is going to take some real skill to ride. We think we'll be seeing an entirely new set of surfers rise to the top of the sport."

Heywood did acknowledge that his technical and logistics teams have already begun to address what could become a troubling snag to his plan. Some early indications show that the highly toxic dispersants used to clear the heavy oil may actually be eating through the wax and fiberglass of the surfboards. Heywood optimistically pointed out that it may simply require a new plastic polymer formulation be used to make a special Slick Surfing competition surfboard to be used exclusively on the circuit. A material he's quick to point out, that couldn't be made without an oil based formula. When asked if there was any inherent danger to the surfers Heywood snapped back, "These are athletes in top condition, young and resilient. There is recovery time required in every sport after any top competition. Have you ever watched downhill skiing, I mean really?!"

Details for the opening of Slick Surfing season appear to be forthcoming and insiders say representatives at ESPN have been contacted in regard to making Slick Surfing part of its popular X-Games summer coverage. Ever the showman, Heywood added, "what with the recent oil accidents and spills in China and India, we may have something here that we can open up internationally, you know, and get world names, world fans of the sport. With the oil and dispersant enhancements, the challenge and excitement of surfing gets bumped up to a new level. We see this as exactly what may take the sport to Olympic competition".

BP: wildlife happy to go.

2010-06-21T15:45:00.009-04:00

In an official company press release (uh... seem to mislaid our copy, you'll just have to take our word on this), BP oil has published a photo proving the company's claim that it is not inhumanely affecting the wildlife in and around the Gulf coast region.

The photo, which shows a deceased duck bobbing on an oil slick was accompanied by BP's statement which made reference to the day to day struggle for survival that all wild creatures endure.

BP states that the photo clearly shows that this duck, relieved of the hardships of finding food and safe shelter, has accepted its fate gladly and calmly, rolling onto its back, legs stretched to the sky to quietly float over the gently rolling sea, quite obviously enjoying its final relaxing moments in the southeastern sunshine.

BP claims this scenario, which has been repeated thousands of times throughout the Gulf's ecosystem, seems a welcome respite for both fish and fowl.

Tony Hayward, BP's CEO added, "Really, how long does a duck live anyway, seriously, does anyone really know? What is it, days, a few weeks? And Pelicans, come on - those things could kill you with those beaks. God, if we had those in the UK, they'd be hunted for sport. You wanna walk your 4 year old down a beach with those things poised to attack? Get my point? Really, we're feeling that there's a threat there that we're happy to be eliminating."

A Fix of Stewart

2010-06-16T14:06:00.002-04:00

When the real news gets to be a little much (that BP guy in the White House for instance), there's always John Stewart. Here's the daily show take on discovering gold in 'dem 'dere hills of Afghanistan...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Ore on Terror

www.thedailyshow.com

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As the Gulf goes black, BP says lighten up!

2010-06-10T16:05:00.015-04:00

As the Gulf of Mexico runs black with oil, BP is urging Americans to see that there's always a bright side. BP executives are quick to point out that all that thick black crude creates a sheen on the water that, in the words of BP's chief, Tony Heyward, "looks kind of pretty in the sunset".

Today, BP has announced two moves designed to assure us that the petroleum giant not only acknowledges their responsibility for "repurposing of the Gulf of Mexico into the world's largest free access oil reserve", but that they also have begun planning for payment and compensation of "returning the Gulf to its former, energy resource concealing condition" should the US government "ultimately insist on hoarding America's vast oil reserves by hiding them deep beneath the floor of the Gulf of Mexico".

The first initiative announced, a fund raising effort, involves an opportunity for individuals around the globe to both participate in and commemorate this unprecedented release of the Gulf's vast oil resources. "Setting Energy Free" is number one in a series of numbered and limited edition collectibles, the first of which depicts the Deepwater Horizon oil rig surrounded by scale model working fireboats and features an easy to operate "explosive" butane flame, perfect for lighting quality cigars. The artist's rendering of preliminary design models is shown here.

Accompanying this news was the unveiling of a special new BP limited-time logo that will be stamped onto the certificate of authenticity for the collectible series. The revised logo will officially represent the company's Gulf operations throughout the time that the oil release, some 5,000 feet below the surface of the Gulf is allowed to continue to run free. Of course, that time period is yet to be determined.

MLB considers next step after radar guns!

2010-05-05T15:57:00.006-04:00

A couple of nights ago, the Philadelphia Phillies baseball organization took a few moments in the outfield to demonstrate to Major League Baseball their new idea in tagging out base runners. A redshirted volunteer was selected from the fans and tasked with avoiding the tag as if caught in a rundown.

The results, though perhaps giving an unfair advantage to the fielding team, could be perceived as yet another way to modernize the game. Fan reactions seem to indicate that the new method could indeed bring yet another level of excitement to stealing bases.

Here' the league's official demonstration footage...

No word yet on whether the new technology could be applied to other sports, though there are rumors some jockeys have suggested this could be just the thing to ramp up interest in thoroughbred horse racing.

Larry the Priest & Joey Ratz, a parable.

2010-03-29T11:02:00.028-04:00

So what do taxes, prisons, Christmas at the in-laws and the Roman Catholic Church all have in common? - they are all, apparently, really hard to get out of. In fact, perhaps the Guiness Book World Record hard thing to get out of may be the Catholic priesthood.

Go ahead - commit the most heinous act of sexual perversion on a child and see if they let you loosen that collar. OK, please - don't do that - it's been done to death already. The only thing surer than a conservative TV anchor's self promotion is the fact that there's always another Catholic priest atrocity waiting to be discovered by the press - and swept under the massive carpet of the church. (Speaking of which, apparently the Vatican has the Guiness World Record most massive carpet to have things swept under record.)

So today let's tell a story. A parable of sorts. It's the story of a man who calls himself a "man of God" (though we think God would take exception). He is a priest named Lawrence C. Murphy. One day Larry, as it seems, found himself in charge of a school for deaf children in Wisconsin. And that is where, as a trusted authority figure and devout Catholic, Larry the priest systematically sexually molested 200 of his charges.

In the real world that you and I live in, where we have this crazy democratic process we call "the rule of law", we would label such abhorrent behavior "pedophilia", defined by Merriam-Webster as "sexual perversion in which children are the preferred sexual object". And further, through the wisdom of our democracy's founders in creating a secular government, we have laws against such things. But are we so bold to say what's right and wrong when the guy in charge of the priest turns out to have the very ear of God? We'll get back to God's hearing problem in a moment...

It turns out that Father Larry wasn't too hot on being kicked out of the priest's clubhouse for his deviant proclivities - and, perhaps preferring a wrist smacking over the laymen's more suitable tar and feathering, Larry simply wrote a note to his boss (then "His Eminence Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger", they like words like "eminence" in the Catholic Church, we'll just make the name easier to remember - let's call him Joey Ratz.)

Larry's brief note of contrition to Joey Ratz (which came many years after the horror inflicted on these kids), asked for "lenience" - "I simply want to live out the time that I have left in the dignity of my priesthood. I ask your kind assistance in this matter." Joey Ratz's answer - which should have been something like "Yeah, well people in hell want ice water" - was actually more like, "Ahh, sure. No prob. Let's send ya somewhere nice. Now get back to work you knucklehead." (PS. "Dignity" - ha! good one. You almost made me spit my communion wine all over the alter.")

The epilog of the story - (ya gotta imagine De Niro's voice doin' this) - "Just when you think you've done something so disgusting that you're out - they pull ya back in!... and slap your wrist and send you somewhere quiet and relaxing to pretend God's just fine with it all. Oh, sin you sinners! Hallelujah!

And so the ending of our story has Larry going somewhere nice to live out his days in the quiet peacefulness of never having to face his victims. In fact, good 'ol Father Larry was cozied into a spot where he couldn't see the faces or hear the pleas or touch the sweat of nightmares that came and played in each of his victim's every night of sleep. Certainly he was left to face his own demons and we can leave it only to faith that they were unrelenting. Oh, and Joey Ratz - they made him Pope.

And as for God's ear? Just like a long swim in the backyard pool, we imagine God's jumping around heaven on one foot trying to shake the Pope out of his head.

The End... of faith as we wish we knew it.

And now for something completely different...

2010-02-23T11:39:00.002-05:00

A moment or two for your listening pleasure...

These few minutes were brought to you in order to prove that a singing group can be more inventive than the United States House of Congress. (And that, when compared to the US Supreme Court, 8 people can be more effective than 9.)

Bond? James Bond?

2010-01-25T13:08:00.004-05:00

A character poster from the soon to be released Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief has finally answered the most burning question in all of Greek mythology:

What would it have looked like if the Greek Gods had had their portraits done at Glamour Shots?

And now you know that some things are indeed better left unknown.

But Steve, what's it all mean?

2010-01-19T16:52:00.010-05:00

Apple Inc. is hosting an invitation only press event on January 27th in San Francisco. In a tech world that guzzles Apple rumors like 5 hour energy shots, this is a confirmed fact.

We know this because like millions of other mac users we saw the leaked press invitation the day they went out. That's it up above - "Come see our latest creation". Steve Jobs has the finesse of a master impressionistic painter, the savvy of P.T. Barnum and the ability to tease with the skill of a Las Vegas floor show. The guy knows how to drum up anticipation.

Now, we know the rumors have been rampant for damn near two years that Apple was going to blow away techies once again with their take on a tablet computer. If you follow these things, the storied tablet's been right up there with the Beatles catalog showing up in iTunes for rumor frequency. Every time you think you've gotten over anticipating its release, they pull you back in. The video iPod, the iPhone, the App store, new iterations of iMacs, the AirBook. If you love using Macs it would seem an emptier world without a few good Apple product rumors swirling around.

But what we love, what we really truly admire is just how good Apple is at all of this. Running a damn close second to producing great products is Jobs and Company's ability to keep a secret while teasing the hell out of anyone watching. So it is and so it remains. So Steve, just what the hell is the invitation trying to tell us?

We're going to go with the crowd (and the sure money) and agree that there's a tablet computer waiting in the wings at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts theater on the 27th. But we can't help but wonder what the splatters of primary color on the invitation are hinting at. Is it the product itself? Nah, it's a tablet computer - no doubt there. Is there a second product being revealed? Some new cool creative software? Feels weak. There's got to be something more to it. If we've got you sucked into the guessing game, let us lead on and give you our best guesses at just what Steve's got up his turtleneck sleeve.

1. It's going to be a tablet, but Apple's going all retro and returning to the pop colors of it's original iMacs. Remember the sensation that caused? Damn near revolutionized industrial design. But we love the sleek aluminum and glass and we think Apple does too - nah, it ain't the color of the product.

2. It's the highest tech, sleekest designed, plays music to shoot by, paintball gun ever conceived. Just checking to see if you were still paying attention.

3. It's the concept for the new store design - registered Mac users bring their kids to a new Apple store the day before it opens to the public and there are all of these paint balloons, and... sorry. Moving on...

4. If it were all yellow splotches and there was a submarine in there somewhere, we'd be thinking that Beatles iTunes thing, yet again.

5. New, easily washable computer screens?

6. Here's one that stretches back in time - how about a new MacPaint program? OK, that's ridiculous but it's such fun to reminisce. We think we're getting closer though...

7. Steve, are you hinting at some new capability? A new touch interface that can create splotches of color (as an example) from multiple finger taps that run and drip with real physics guiding them? A capability that might open the door to new interfaces, expanded virtual keyboards, layering, blending, perhaps splattering as it senses a touch hovering slightly over the screen? Nah, leave it to game designers and apps. We want big news. Sensational stuff.

Steve, just what the hell is up with the paintball invite?

We think we've got it. If the tablet was going to be called a "tablet" would the invitation have looked like stone? If it was going to be called the "iSlate" would the invitation have looked like a chalkboard? Maybe. But the invitation looks like... wait for it... a painter's canvas.

The new Apple tablet will be called the "Canvas". (We think the "i" thing is way last decade.) You heard it here first. Hey Steve, after all of that, if we're right - how about a free one?

Leno destroys NBC's ten o'clock - sets sights on Conan!

2010-01-12T16:46:00.019-05:00

This just in, Jay Leno apparently has a trait even bigger than his chin - his ego.

With all of the delicacy of Godzilla stomping through Tokyo, Jay Leno has stomped through the late night schedule of NBC and rained havoc. Just months ago, Leno leapfrogged the nightly news and landed in NBC's ten o'clock time slot with expectations only he and NBC shared - to reinvent the 10 PM slot as a super profitable, low production cost brainstorm. The result was a-probably-a-little-profitable, certainly low cost puddle. And suddenly Leno is quick with the "I always wanted to stay at 11:35, I would never have left The Tonight Show" face savers.

From our late night seats, here's a piece of reality programming - Leno sucked at 10 PM 'cause Leno sucked at 10 PM.

Mind you, we weren't big fans an hour and 35 minutes later either. Still, we gave the opening week at 10 a try. At first we were shocked at how ribald the humor was, regardless that it was shifted to the earlier time slot. (We couldn't recall ever feeling that way watching Tonight. Anyone else agree?) Then we were just bored silly. And that's silly in a bad way. The show blew and it blew hard because of its host. Even a worthy and watchable guest seemed to sink into the morass of Leno's overwhelming control of each interview. And as for the skits and bits - take the misery that is Saturday Night Live and times it by ten (10, get it?).

Now with NBC shutting down the big switch (and in the process, having to admit that scripted shows are worth the money it takes to pay real writers), Leno appears poised to slime his way back into The Tonight Show slot, tail between his legs and chin chasing his ego, all regardless of what the current host may think or be coerced into doing.

And even with the disclaimer that we neither like or watch Conan, we think all of this sucks. The Tonight Show IS 11:30 (bad enough when they moved it five minutes) on NBC. Name the shows what you will, that fact is not lost on Leno. Conan should have gotten more respect. Jimmy Fallon should have been at the top of the copy list on the memos and deserves a free shopping card on NBC.com. And as David Letterman pointed out last night on his program, does anyone even remember that Carson Daly has a show following all of this mess?

Conan appears now, according to today's press releases, willing to pull his own plug at NBC if he's pushed to starting The Tonight Show, tomorrow (12:05 AM) each night. His exit would free up The Tonight Show entirely, conveniently allowing Leno to slip back to his old digs and to hell with Conan and crew's hard work, relocations and ernest effort. At least Fallon would survive unscathed. As for Carson Daly, well, no one's really watching anyway.

And that would leave Conan only ever so briefly homeless. Though a move to Fox would likely only capture our attention on premiere week, we would at least have a new rooting interest. We'd be rooting for all comers to slam Leno into the one location where he truly belongs at 11:30 each night - on his couch at home watching television like the rest of us.

Breaking news from CES 2010!

2010-01-07T15:07:00.018-05:00

While the geekdom and tech press clamor ravenously, pouring over spy reports, photoshopped renderings and flat out rumors, we thought we'd inject some hard fast factual truth into the fray. But then we thought it'd be more fun just to poke holes in some of the silliness that's puring out onto the web each day from the 2010 Las Vegas CES (Consumer Electronics Show, and if you needed that spelled out, just who's computer are you reading this blog on?).

So here are the top news stories emerging from the gadget gluttony that is CES:

Microsoft's CEO Steve Ballmer made it clear last night in his Keynote address that Microsoft is definitively and absolutely still the most boring company on the planet. Microsoft's shareholder's applauded wildly from every corner of the globe, then went back to defragging their disk drives.

Dell announced plans for a new prototype "tablet" computer that features a 5 inch screen. Dell says the relatively small size was predicated on the core target audience most likely to be "wowed" by the comapny's "breaking" technology - toddlers and infants.

3D televisions are all the rage at the giant show, with many manufacturers showing off prototypes of soon to be released "3D ready" screens. In the meantime, Amazon, makers of the book reader called the Kindle, are taking a retro approach and have introduced a 42" flat screen using the Kindle's e-ink technology. The television boasts four shades of gray in it's picture, is difficult to see in dim light and produces an image just south of a tintype movieola. Amazon states that the by using the Kindle's e-ink screen the TV is capable of remaining on while unplugged for nearly a week. However, no one has ever wanted to watch one of the prototypes for more than a few minutes.

Automobile manufacturers like Ford and KIA have gotten into the game at CES as well. Sporting new technologies like advanced on board communications, internet radio links and voice control, many of the new automotive electronic devices poised to arrive in late 2010 vehicle models are causing a stir. None though is more controversial than a partnership between flat screen manufacturers, internet providers and car makers, to provide a live internet web connection complete with a "movies on demand" feature that would turn the windshield of your car into a high definition LCD display. Dubbed the Driver's Digital Entertainment Advanced Display or "Driver's D.E.A.D.", the consortium formed to produce the displays claim that placing the movie directly in the field of vision of the driver and passengers allows the driver to simply "shift focus", most likely allowing just enough reaction time to avoid the tragic events about to occur just ahead of the vehicle's path of movement.

Unusual for the convention business in Las Vegas, escort services and independent "girlfriend" providers are mostly without business, some even using the week of CES as an opportune time to leave Las Vegas for vacations. It is also reported that sales of virtual goggles and tactile "game gloves" are selling out all over the city as internet sex hospitality suites have had 24 hour lines and are causing pandemonium throughout the city.

Though eagerly anticipated each year at the annual CES, popular internet companies Google and Yahoo have again soundly refused to give their companies intelligent names.

And this just in - though Apple Inc. is not a presenter at the annual CES, a widely rumored product announcement expected on the 27th of this month in San Francisco is the talk of the town. Highly anticipated is the expected announcement of a long rumored "tablet" or "slate" computer, building on the popularity of Apple's iPhone. Today it is said to be confirmed that among names being considered for the cutting edge device, "Steve's Big 10 Inch" has been dropped as a possibility. Owners of "stevesbig10inch.com" are said to be devastated at the news. There does appear to be some growing consensus that, in an unusual display of company bravado, Apple Inc. may indeed name the new device the "iDiditagain".

the first two photos are by Mario Anzuoni/Reuters

TAG/Heuer: Tiger's It.

2009-12-22T11:09:00.011-05:00

Turns out Tiger was bouncing a lot more than a golf ball on the end of his club. Now, sponsors who are reeling to keep up with public appearances are scrambling to drop the guy from their ads before their products get driven into the sand trap.

But how to take away millions from the athlete of the decade and still maintain those future contracts (ah, the certainty of counting on the public's short term memory), poses quite a dilemma.

We totally get the housewives point of view here. Hell, we think the guy behaved like an ass too. Yet we can't help thinking that there's a way to turn all of this adversity to a sponsor's favor. So, with a eye to being wise asses, and a complete disregard for any one's feelings - we took the liberty of doing a quick redesign for the new Tag/Heuer-Tiger Woods ads.

We thought we'd run these up the pin flag, so to speak and see if we can put it in the hole. Madison Avenue, please, no thanks needed.

I'm a Mac just so I don't have to talk to these people.

2009-11-18T16:54:00.009-05:00

At the risk of going all Apple fanboy on ya, there's something to be said for those "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC" commercials.

There's a difference my friends and it's not all nice boxes and smart marketing. If you're a "PC" and you don't own up to the fact that the makers of your beloved software aren't constantly trying to ape their stylish competitor, well, you are knee deep in denial. In every category from GUI to music players, Microsoft has Apple envy. All the proof you want is in their "brand new" retail store design, so carbon copied from Apple that they could film those Mac/PC commercials in their own store locations. One telling difference - there are chairs at the display tables at Microsoft - perhaps suggesting there may be some waiting involved?

But just like the difference in computers, the true difference between Macs and PCs has always been what's inside - the software. As for the stores - that would translate to employees. Where Apple hires fans of their products that are convincing and helpful Mac advocates, Mocrosoft, well, hires these guys... we'll only say, the primary colored t-shirts should serve as a warning - these sales clerks are most definitely PCs.

Copyrights and Fair ab-Use.

2009-11-10T14:27:00.028-05:00

Hey, I'm just curious here, but if I go slap a different bumper on your car and paint the doors a different color, do I own it? I mean, it's not like it's still anything like the car you bought. Haven't I, through my personal creative impulses made it something uniquely my own? Therefore, seems only fair that I get to claim it as my own. Cool. Well, for me it's cool, kinda sucks to be you.

Ever create something? You know, from scratch? Something that didn't exist until you made it. Maybe you once got all of your settings just right for a really perfect photograph. Maybe you sat down late one night when you couldn't sleep and wrote a poem or picked up a guitar and came up with a song. Maybe you took some art classes awhile back, practiced a bit and then one day, on a wave of inspiration sculpted the figures of your children. Maybe you finally put your word processor to use and wrote a draft of your life's novel. Maybe you write a blog?

Would it torque you off just a little to think that any stranger might might lay over a few of their own ideas and distribute this new "altered" work as their own original property - for money? And get famous for it?

Meet the man behind the most successful and iconic image made for last year's political campaign - ladies and gentleman I give you Shepard Fairey. He is the man who "created" the Barack Obama "Hope" poster which became an unforgettable icon of President Obama's presidential campaign, being reproduced on seemingly countless magazine covers, buttons, t-shirts and campaign memorabilia. Its initial run as a fundraising poster on the Obama campaign website sold out and became highly sought out as a collectible during primary season. So much so, that to support Obama's party nomination, a new, modified design was commissioned with a Democratic National Convention logo and sold again on the website, this time as a true numbered and limited collectible with posters selling for $100 or signed by the "artist" for $500. A run of 1,000 (100 signed) were again sold out.

The problem with all of this is that the original basis for Fairey's image wasn't his imagination. It was, in fact a photograph taken by an AP wire service photographer and copyrighted by The Associated Press. In court, and later in an admission by Fairey, he indeed confessed that he had used the photograph and had lied to his legal council as well as to the court to hide this fact. A statement that prompted his legal team to leave the case. The photo that was the basis for Fairey's image is clearly evident in a side by side comparison.

So that's that and all is right with the world. But it's not. Mr. Fairey has made a living, and due to his Obama image, a famously celebrated living, while deceiving his fans and his clients and "stealing" pre-existing intellectual property, to modify and claim ownership of, as newly original artworks. In our opinion, that's crap.

The guy paints over copied images and then sells them with no benefit returning to the original intellectual property holder. A practice that is at once unconscionable and unfair. And it's not like you couldn't see it coming. Take a look at a clothing and poster website that showcases Mr. Fairey's work at Obeyclothing.com. Mr. Fairey has made quite a living out of making iconic images his own. He even labels some as "tributes" to the original works. Incredibly, a copyright statement is clearly evident on the Obey Clothing site - "Obey Clothing All Rights Reserved 2008-2009". The most original thought ever expressed by Mr. Fairey maybe his idea that he can claim any copyright at all.

Shepard Fairey seems to be, ironically, a poster boy himself for what greed and instant

popularity mean in a world more interested in the momentum than the moment. While Barack Obama was forging the beginnings of a new chapter in American political history, our notoriously pop-cultured mentality seized on the quick, the slick and the shallowest of symbols to record the day. Rather than embrace the substance, we raced to own a marketing label. Happily, as the results of the election bore out, we, that is, most of us, also understood the message and elected a new President, even if those magazines and posters we put away are tainted by a money-driven fraud.

Incidentally, if anyone reading this should want to bid ludicrous sums of money to add some distinctly original pop art to their collection, I'd be more than happy to have a poster shop reproduce the image below on some collectors quality heavy stock. I won't sign them though - my lawyers tell me it would be wise to maintain some deniability.

We thank The Associated Press, the Democratic National Party, the Barack Obama presidential campaign and the Andy Warhol Museum for allowing the use of their copyrighted images reproduced above. We'd also thank Obey Clothing and Mr. Fairey, but we're not sure what for. Maybe for having a sense of humor?

Excuse me, but did your car just fart?

2009-10-15T12:27:00.008-04:00

The shimmer of a Stradivarius violin. The soothing swells of the ocean's surf. The power whine of an accelerating Ferrari. Sound can be everything, or nothing. In the case of the Ferrari, there's unmistakeable appeal even when it's parked and quiet. But in motion, even when you can't see it, enthusiasts will jerk their heads at the sound of a Ferrari engine like one of Pavlov's fabled mutts, trying to catch a glimpse of their object of desire.

Ah, the good old days. That is, if electric cars really do replace our fossil fuel guzzling "auto" erotic fantasies. But what about the clunker that a dose of real life has parked in your driveway in place of a 500 hp dream machine? The National Highway Traffic Administration has come to believe that even the exhaust spewing bomb you may be driving has an advantage they may not want you to give up - it's loud. Not Ferrari sexy loud, but loud anyway. Turns out, whether your ride speaks race car Italian or American junk yard with a Brooklyn accent - the fact that it makes any noise at all may be more important than we realize.

That realization is this. Electric cars are quiet. Very quiet. They can drive everywhere noisy cars drive, go just as fast as noisy cars go and are just as incompatible with impacting unprotected humans as noisy cars are. Oops. Electric cars, it seems, don't announce there presence. Unprotected humans are suddenly about to enter the lurking electric "stealth" car era.

And of course, in the grand tradition of writing legislation to compensate for our mindless ignorance of protecting our own safety, the government is about to step in and mandate that there should never be a "quiet" car. As if those nerve crunching cellphone ring tones that are quickly filling every quiet gap in our existence weren't enough - electric cars and hybrids are about to under go the same process - "car tones".

Automakers, designers and safety boards are all in furious meetings to determine how to make a perfectly quiet car loud - at least loud enough so you'll know it's there. The challenge is to create artificial engine sounds that would be pumped from behind-the-bumper speakers. But what's loud enough? What's the right sound? Traditional motor noises? A nostalgic ice cream truck melody? A starship warp drive?

Maybe we should let the car owner decide? If you're leaning toward the democratic process here - I remind you again of those personalized ring tones going off all around you. There's no accounting for some people's taste - or their sense of humor. How long before that hybrid Prius pulls up meowing like the owner's cat? How will you like waking up in the middle of the night to your apartment neighbor's kid's electric van, trying to find a parking space while his bumper's humming out rock guitar riffs? What if that sleek little electric Tesla thundered like an F-114 fighter jet or the new all-electric Mustang that sounds like - yeah - a wild horse neighing at full gallop. Still like the idea of freedom of choice?

You can bet that we'll over safety anything that can raise an insurance premium in this world, whether that be a seat belt law or banning smoking cigarettes that are completely legal to buy (presumedly as an unusable collectable, but that's a different rant). The problem is, someone else will decide what the the sound of electric cars will be and there's as good a chance as any, it'll be mandated, universal and it'll suck. Just close your eyes and think of those truck backup alarms.

So here's our contribution to the unavoidable din of arguments due on why we should save ourselves from quiet streets - take a survey and determine what we the people believe to be the very most desirable engine sounds from the very best cars in the world. Synthesize them, burn the sounds onto chips and plug 'em into every electric car made. Then we can all wake up in 10 years, walk out to our electric clunkers charging in the driveway, groan while the coffee is still struggling to fire our nerve receptors, turn the key, press the button or whatever - and at least grin a little as the sound of a race bred quarter million dollar Ferrari greets us and accompanies us to work. It's the simple pleasures that count.

Word for the day: kanye.

2009-09-18T14:15:00.033-04:00

kan•ye . [con-yā]

verb

1. to blunder in where you don't belong and behave like an asinine fool; attempt to attract attention to oneself by interrupting and upstaging : some guy just kanyed the press conference and threw a shoe at the President

2. to embarrass one's family and loved ones in as rude and public a manner as possible : the performer rushed onto the stage and kanyed his mom who was watching television with the neighbors

• embarrassed through involuntary inclusion : did that boy really just kanye all over Beyoncé?

• being made the victim of : whew, I think that skinny white girl just got kanyed!

3. to express false regret at having insulted another's dignity [particularly when using your own blog as a forum rather than manning up in person]. see insert. [colloquial] : pulling a kanye

adjective

incredibly ignorant; unable to comprehend civil behavior; unaware of social norms; incapable of perception outside of one's own ego : that wasn't just stupid, that was kanye!

noun

1. a self-inflated, under-talented, immature, spoiled, jerk; utter jackass [common usage refers to music business personalities]

2. a callous act of ignorance of nearly incomprehensible proportion, albeit regrettably becoming commonplace in current society and, though publicly denounced, desirably controversial and useful for generating hype and ratings : see MTV.

Sitting down for what you believe in.

2009-09-10T14:12:00.018-04:00

Last night our hardest working President in decades addressed a joint session of Congress about a topic, he was quite clear to point out, had been continually addressed in Congress since 1943. It's a matter that is as easy to sum up as it is to relate to... affordable health care for everyone. Duh.

Seems like a no brainer, as it is in almost the entire civilized world. Get sick - get better, instead of get sick - go broke - die. Raise your hand if you've lost me and we'll point you to a "reading is fundamental" website for the intellectually disabled. For now, let's assume that there's no one under the age of four reading this and move on.

There's been a helluva lot written about this so called debate in the last months (and years), so I'm not adding to it here. If you haven't figured out the issues yet, it's either because you're so rich it doesn't matter, you're so resigned to game playing in Washington that you've given up, or you're not a U.S. citizen and you're having a blast watching a rich and powerful democracy falling all over itself. Whichever stands you're rooting from, it all makes for some ripe satire and a slightly hard to resist touch of mean spirited ridicule. So Senators and members of Congress, and by that I mean you Rep. Joe Wilson (R. South Carolina), it's appropriate that you got so much camera time last night sitting on your hands, 'cause here's where I think that finger you like to point has spent most of its time.

First let's hit the applause button, or that is, rip the applause signs out and get to the business at hand. Watching a President address congress is like watching a comedian mention the name of the town he's appearing in after every punchline. "Anybody from... ?" Adding to the tediousness of interrupting important information by applauding over it, network and cable news shows seem compelled to tally an actual count for ovations and spontaneous outbreaks of applause which they never fail to add into the post speech coverage, as if providing some insightful context that will shed more light on the proceedings. I get it, he's the President. His country would like for you to shut up now so we can listen to what he has to say.

Next. There are cameras in the room. I'm watching on TV and it's on damn near every station. There are lots of cameras in the room. So let's do something constructive with them. Let's focus them on the audience. The one that matters. The elected officials who get a seat at these things. You know, the ones you voted for who are ignoring the remarks being made by the President of the United States so they can keep up a constant stream of twittering on their Blackberrys. The ones who are shoving programs into the President's hand on his exit like your 11 year old daughter at a Jonas Brothers concert. The one's who have their ears and their brains stuffed with predetermined conclusions prior to pretending to represent their constituencies with rational open thinking. Let's watch them and just listen to the President.

Who stands and who remains sitting?

Let's point it out. In this age of digital television, we should rollout the technology to point your remote at a sitting Senator and see just who it is that won't stand in support of "I will not sign a plan that adds one dime to our deficits - either now or in the future." or "I won't stand by while the special interests use the same old tactics to keep things exactly like they are." or how about "If you come to me with a serious set of proposals, I will listen. My door is always open."? Now there's something to take exception to! How dare the President keep his door open to serious discussion? Outrageous. Who's sitting on their hands after that one? Hey Rep. Joe Wilson? What were you doing at that moment? Maybe writing down a couple of good zingers to shout out a little later? Putz.

Rep. Joe Wilson of the likely-embarrassed-today state of South Carolina, is an idiot. This is a man entrusted with the responsibility to represent the people of his state in critical matters of government. Matters that effect the lives, livelihoods and future of that state, its people, its needs and its contributions to the good and wellbeing of our nation. For that responsibility, Mr. Wilson behaves, in our nation's most hallowed hall of democracy, like a college frat house buffoon. We put his picture here so you can see what a buffoon looks like. Way to go Joe. You're family must be so proud.

(OK, that felt good, turns out not Satire is not only Reason, it's also damn good therapy.)

President Obama did a pretty nice job last night of laying things out. He spoke plainly and clearly and spoke as much to his nation's citizenry as to its politicians. He provided what many have been searching for, a foundation to consider our thoughts and concerns about healthcare that can allow us to solidify our understanding of our governments possible responses along with each response's potential impact on our lives. He represented both the dignity of his office and the commonsense (and no nonsense) mission of change that won him election. Still, we can't help but wish for a scenario more like this...

(The President is at his podium, the 59/41 mix of enthusiastic/disingenuous applause has subsided and he looks square into the camera - at us.)

"Madam Speaker, Vice President Biden, members of Congress, and the American people:

All of you folks at home, pay attention and watch the representatives of your home states carefully. Tonight, we are going to introduce accountability to Congress."

(Turning to Congress and directing the television cameras to follow.)

"Let's cut the crap. We have a simple problem that has grown enormously and needlessly complex and we are going to fix it, fix it now and fix it permanently. We will proceed judiciously but quickly. We will work tirelessly. And we will succeed in this effort because it is the only outcome our nation's people deserve and the only that should be acceptable to its elected representatives in government. We will not lie, we will not procrastinate and we will not misdirect public opinion in order to achieve private, political or individual goals. If this course of action doesn't suit you, offends you, or compels you to shout out like a college frat house buffoon, get off your ass and leave these chambers. But know all of America is watching."

Now who remains sitting down for what they believe in? Get up on your feet Congress and just get the job done. Mr. President, speaking as part of the nation that has entrusted you with the office you respectfully serve, we expect nothing less.

...and Glenn Beck is a dick.

2009-09-05T12:49:00.024-04:00

I'm in the mood for a little rant. Let's just say I'm a little pissed that no one seems to be paying attention in a time when paying attention seems like a really good idea.

The government, as usual, is a great place to start. Partisanship is a publicist's dream. Constituents?, who cares what constituents want after the vote is in? Those worries come with the next election cycle, right now it's time to land a book deal. And getting some solid network or cable face time means every Senator and Congressman who remembers the name of their home precinct is conducting town halls, where, surprise, the only TV coverage is of shouting, fisticuffs and hate mongering. Excuse me Senator, it's your publicist tweeting to remind you that any press is good press.

Recovery programs? Sure, it seemed like the thing to do. Getting old, bad gas milage cars off the road to spur some new car sales? Solid. Cash for Clunkers is signed and out the door when... wait, Congress starts to question why they're doing what they've already approved. A little discussion, a little camera stealing on the steps of the capitol and they add half again to the funds available. There's adding courage to your convictions! Personally we like the program, but it's a little unnerving to think government programs aren't really approved until Washington reads tomorrow's headlines. That is, unless there's some influence to peddle.

How about Space, the never-final-budget frontier? NASA fights for the money to float (get it?) a space plan that it gets approved and then, years later, admits that the funding they fought for can't hope to pay for the plan they've sold. They've got the brains to put a nearly completed space station, a space shuttle and some 13 astronauts in orbit as I write, but can't figure out how to keep it running much more than another 5 or 10 years. That's after some 100 billion or so in investment. Was I the only one who thought the International Space Station was supposed to be more than a temporary clubhouse for the geeky physicist kids?

Now there's an entirely new "moon" initiative underway that comes complete with the development of two new rockets, one of which no one seems really sure they want or need. What to do? For starters, three of our most respected NASA veterans, men who flew the first moon landing mission, go up to tell the President that we should change our focus entirely. Maybe they could have spoken up before that new rocket got built? Ahh... just a letter guys? Something? Before swapping our focus to Mars, maybe we should focus on a little well laid out planning? Measure twice, cut once? Seems to work well for most carpenters I know.

Onto the bastion of uninformed rhetoric and misinformation, cable news. Americans across the country buy into a 24 hour news cycle that, at its best, can only agree that the passing of a broadcasting great like Walter Cronkite harkens to an era of news coverage renown for accuracy and integrity. Click back to today's news and the coverage is provided by highly compensated pundits, reckless interviewers, make-up models, runaway egos and stand-up comics, all touted as journalists. Forget accuracy, let's just get through the big words in the next line of copy.

In the meantime, these one-step-ahead-of animatronic talking heads augment their personal worth by using their privileged positions to popularize books, speaking tours and assorted paraphernalia. Creating comic book personas to exaggerate their points of view, they cater to the dense and belligerent, who themselves seem incapable of examining an issue with even the slightest hope of finding or supporting an opinion of their own. Followers, who read what they are told to read, make of it only what they are constantly being fed, while effectively unable to correctly breakdown a single sentence. From the ridiculous to the absurd, no matter - the President doesn't have a U.S. birth certificate, he is a muslim, torture is effective interrogation, whatever they say. World and U.S. news as might be delivered on a cable shopping channel.

Which brings me to the inexcusable. The Fox Nation "Tea Party Express", a "news" network that is organizing, promoting and merchandising a nationwide speaking tour to hype its on-air personalities and shamelessly labeling a marketing gimmick as "grassroots patriotism". Grassroots. As if YOU thought of it. As if YOUR COMMUNITY has been involved in some kind of planning and open debate. As if YOU are printing the t-shirts and the placards and getting YOUR neighbors to take the soapbox.

Wait, and how about this? TV talking heads seeking to radicalize the debate on gun control by encouraging, and in some cases advocating, the open carrying of loaded weapons to public political rallies, even presidential town halls, while the actual "issue" at hand is a pursuit of a national discussion on HEALTH CARE! Irresponsible is the first word in a sentence that ends with horrific.

Hello? Anybody out there? With a brain, that is? A conscience? Common sense? I'm sorry, am I asking too much?

This all amounts to a Mount Rushmore size "What the F*!K?" in a year to be forever known for an avalanche of "what the f*!ks". But there is a solution.

Read. Don't browse, don't glance, peruse. Read the detail. Read for deeper meaning. Read to sense the author's point of view and then read a contrary opinion. If you're getting your news from cable, it's better than house odds in a slot parlor that you aren't getting any news at all. If you care so little that you're listening to the opinion of someone trying to sell you a stand-up comedy show ticket & a coffee mug in the guise of patriotism, go ahead and listen. But please God, don't participate outside of anything that happens between your two logic-dead ears.

This is not a time to be confusing hucksterism with patriotism. This is not a time for passing decisions without grasping the fine print. This is not a time to be cultivating racism and hatred as desirable audience demographics.

There is not now, nor ever, a time when news and public debate can be allowed to be commandeered as entertainment. Objective journalism does not spring from the proving ground of stand-up comedy. Marketing cannot be allowed to become the bedrock of public debate. Journalistic integrity has never been synonymous with personal agendas.

Truth comes unfiltered.

Trust comes with proven credibility.

Honesty is a decision.

Authority is granted with constant and intelligent questioning.

Opinions have meaning when they are formed by curious minds.

Curiosity leads to enlightenment by never ceasing.

Don't take my word for it. Inform yourself.

Oh, and Glenn Beck is a dick.

By the way, the screenshots from the official websites of "Fox Nation" and Mr. Beck are real and were taken on the day of publishing this post. Only a 3rd party advertising banner was deleted from Mr. Beck's header. Mr. Beck, himself, calls his "act" comedy. We bow to his opinion in that matter alone.

Moonwalk like an Egyptian

2009-08-22T13:34:00.003-04:00

Photo of an Egyptian bust in the collection of the Field Museum, Chicago, IL.

S'mores anyone?

2009-08-21T13:28:00.001-04:00

Marshmallow Murder
by gagfilms

Thanks to our friends at dailyMotion.com!

Breakfast with the Clintons

2009-08-13T12:33:00.015-04:00

Welcome back to Breakfast with the Clintons.

This episode: "If the diplomat pants fit..." finds Bill and Hillary nations apart as each is engaged in high stakes political drama! Well, at least Hillary would LIKE to think so... there's certainly some kind of drama in the air.

With almost as much exuberance as we experience from a Sarah Palin press announcement, we gleefully jump to YouTube when our top US diplomat goes on a Bill bender. And no, we're not talking about anything Congress might be passing. This is way more fun.

Ever since a brunette intern in a blue dress got cigar tips from the sitting president, those wacky Clintons have provided countless hours of high-office hi-jinx to keep us distracted and amused, much in the way radio comedies did during the great depression. Now our nation's top diplomat and our favorite ex-Pres have once again let the marital tension fray, snapping across continents and cracking an unsuspecting student, asking an innocent enough question, right in his poorly interpreted mouth. The sequence below also brings us to our second political picture quiz question of the day... Who picks the Secretary of State's traveling pants?

Go ahead, hold your hand just off the surface of your computer screen, can you feel it? Yes, that heat is pure attitude! While Bill's picking up flowers and plaudits from the world press, Hillary's basking in the "also ran". It's the primary season all over again. While Bill's hot-spotting the political globe in private jets and rescuing damsels in distress, Hillary's trying to convince her press pool that her tour of 7 African States in 11 days is the stuff of world peace keeping diplomacy. Apparently she's been trying to say it with music.

And so we invite you to share Breakfast with the Clintons, two of our nation's most precious political resources doing what they're most famous for - former President Bill Clinton, winning the day with confident charm and his wife, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton - eating the crap left in his wake.

Answers to today's Political Picture Quiz questions:

Question 1 - Can you spot the Diplomat? No, it's not Hillary, she was having a bad diplomacy day. And no, not Bill either, he was just riding the coattails of the work Al Gore had already put in. Though Kim Jung-Il specifically requested Bill, Kim Jung-Il is decidedly a lunatic and might just as well requested a meeting with Will Ferrell. It's the little girl presenting the flowers.

Question 2 - Who choses the Secretary of State's traveling pants? We're sad and also somewhat relieved to report that the staffer responsible for choosing the Secretary of State's blue pant suit has been taken out and shot. Her name is being withheld until the family has been notified.

2009-07-24T00:45:00.004-04:00

Hi everyone. We just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you who have made Satire is Reason a regular stop, and especially those who have become regular readers of our sister blog at Moviedozer Dailies and it's parent website Moviedozer.com.

Though Satire is Reason doesn't share the frequency of updates as our other projects at SparxLab, we love to write the posts that appear here and we're dedicated to adding to the columns more often as we move forward. Our website and blogs are now read in 30 countries and we look forward to building that readership over the coming months.

As we're about to disappear on holiday for the next ten days (that's the lake we'll be floating on up there in the corner), we'll be putting our thoughts together for new articles to start next month. There's certainly no shortage of apt targets. From political corruption in our home state of New Jersey, to the ever goofy round-about rationale of ex-Gov Sarah Palin, to overflowing toilets on the International Space Station, there certainly is the smell of satire in the air.

Thanks again for dropping by whenever and from wherever you find us. We're glad you do and we'd love to read your comments. See you in August.

A little inspiration.

2009-07-01T14:28:00.007-04:00

A momentary break from the satire.

We found this video on one of our favorite creative sites, dailyMotion.com, and agreed that it was worth sharing. Since for many of us creativity is reason too, we hope you'll find some encouragement.

May following your creative instincts always lead you back home.

All the best in your journeys.

Anchored
Uploaded by lindseyolivares - Independent web videos.

So not hip to be square.

2009-06-22T12:04:00.015-04:00

Hey, have you heard that there's a little problem with the auto industry? Apparently decades of "you'll buy what we want to make" rather than "we'll make what you want to buy" has actually somehow screwed the pooch. Go figure. So like every well skilled team of corporate executives in America, the folks over at GM and Chrysler wander into Congress with a mix of puppy dog eyes and indignant smirks and plead ignorant. And ignorance is well rewarded.

Hard to argue that this brain trust of giant corporate-think schmucks doesn't thrive on living a life of ignorant bliss. They make many millions, drive, fly and die in luxury and flip the finger at the little guys that both build and buy their products. Well lads, the tanking economy has just told you all, quite emphatically, to FO. The response? We'll re-tool, re-think and re-tread stale ideas and decades late technologies so we can become the brand new, leaner and greener and ever so shinier new American corporate behemoths of tomorrow. Punch your tickets pals - you're too f'in' late.

I recently spent 5 days in LA, absolute ground zero for American car culture. Not three minutes at the airport curb went by before seeing a gargantuan blacked-out Surburban (complete with requisite spinner chromes), a luscious 6mpg flame red Ferrari (doing about 3 mph), and a sleek new electric Tesla convertible. The Tesla was impressive, the Surburban trailed the sound of a vacuum seemingly sucking the energy right out of the street lights and the Ferrari - well screw the environment, Ferraris and Lamborghinis should be granted special dispensation for destroying the planet's natural resources - they're just that cool.

Due to a mix-up at the car counter, the good folks at Avis supplied a free upgrade to my rented ride. Rather than a conservative gas-sipper, I was rolling over the tire-slashing one way exit grates in a Nissan 350 Z convertible (for the record, rated at 17 mpg city/23 mpg highway). Suitcase firmly ensconced in the passenger seat (trunk just a tad too small), I pulled onto the 405 with more than a hint of anxious cockiness. Then stopped. It's LA. It's a parking lot.

LA freeways may be the greatest social class equalizers ever invented, Ferrari, Civic and rusted out pick-up, all reduced to a lowest common denominator of gas fume idling equity. But I used to live in LA and I know the words Topanga Canyon. I know about Sunset Boulevard's banked s-turns that blur Beverly Hills into Bel Air. I know the Pacific Coast Highway! I can hardly suppress a grin while I'm punching through the scan function on the radio. LA. Standing still in traffic anywhere else could never hold so much promise.

All of this horsepower-on-low-profile-tires seduction wound up adding about 175 miles to my LA natural resource squandering and burned off just about ten gallons of fossil fuel this planet has no hope of recovering. I figure I was good for a cubic centimeter or so of eradicated ozone. But seriously, if you're ever in LA, go do the Topanga Canyon drive from Malibu into the Valley and you'll want to buy me a beer and BS about it for hours.

I do strive to make a point here. Driving cool cars on winding roads is a blast. There's something primal in speed, wind, power and unstable rocky drop-offs that's damn near akin to climbing into the most mental of roller coasters. We're Americans damn it. Let's not lose site of a good time just for the sake of ensuring that we have breathable air next decade. OK, I get the climate change thing, but c'mon, how many of you love to spend time at the beach? So here's your chance to bring the beach to you!

OK, I jest. The real point is we can be environmentally and economically smart while being responsible custodians of a planet that has plenty to worry about even without us, yet still capture what is essential in the human spirit. Though I can't conceive of what those Ferraris and Lamborghinis will look like at the other side of all this impending change, it's obvious what a Chevy most definitely should NOT look like. They've published a picture of it themselves. Boys, this is not the way to recapture the American imagination. Or anyone else's for that matter.

We're at a crux of industrial design, practical consideration and innovative thinking. The guys over at Tesla have the right idea. Entrepreneurial spirit and confidence in the survival of the American dreamer should do the rest. GM, the new Fiat/Chrysler and everyone else with a stake in the game should be sharpening their pencils and maybe flipping on the Pink Floyd as they get to work. So far, the results are still anyone's guess but the game is most definitely afoot.

Marketing Buzz

2009-05-20T14:30:00.017-04:00

You can tell if it's cold, if it's fresh, if air got into the bottle, even when it was "born". What you can't tell is if it's any good. Well, actually, the point pretty much is, it's not. And there lies the reason why touting packaging and brewing gimmicks have become the norm for marketing the cheapest buzzes in beer.

If the labels Coors Light, Miller Chill and BL (Bud Light w/Lime for those not in the know) make you drool for a fresh cold one, you may want to click here 'cause we're about to insult you.

When manufacturers realize there's little to distinguish their product and even less to hold it up against serious competition, well, you just come up with any crap that'll sell. What's selling nowadays? Here are some observations gleaned from the barrage of beer commercials during television coverage of the NBA playoffs...

• Miller Lite is paying an advertising agency to sell their beer based on the fact that it has a cap. They call it a "flavor seal". We would agree with their point in that a bottle without a cap would spill all of the beer out, therefore rendering it flavorless. They say the cap keeps out oxygen. We say anyone purchasing a beer for it's cap is already quite satisfactorily oxygen deprived.

• Apparently any moron who would actually buy Coors Light is fascinated by color changing labels. Our advice - buy better beer and a box of crayolas.

• If you once were on vacation in Cancun and couldn't figure out how a waitress could coax a lime wedge down the neck of a Corona, you'll be in vacation heaven all summer now that Miller's already done it for you with their Miller Chill, the thinking being that if it tastes like piss, lime flavored piss must be even better.

• Bud Light has "drinkability"! As in, it's a liquid that may be poured into the mouth and (with some practice) be swallowed. You have to recognize you're in trouble if the ad agency you hire has to come up with a new word to describe your beverage and the only attribute they can promote is its ability to be consumed. Apparently, no promises about what happens post consumption.

• Miller Lite is trying to sell beer based on tight caps. Yeah, we know we already mentioned that, but it's just so damned ridiculous. OK, we'll move on.

• Why should you have to suck that Coors can till the sides cave in, wide mouth tops (which they invented in '96) are now new and improved with built in vents! Just how much of the damn can top are you trying to fit into your mouth anyway?

• Miller Light (the guys with the high tech bottle caps) gains a taste advantage from "triple hops brewing". Apparently adding hops three times instead of dumping them in all at once some how preserves that swillish flavor. Our guess is it just gives the guys at the factory some busy work. For that matter, how many beer guts filled by Miller have brains attached that even know what hops are?

Coors loves innovation. Most recently "cold activated" labels and the new break through - cold activated cans (was it just harder to figure it out on aluminum?) have followed other swigs of genius like - "super cold draft" (hey numbnuts, you just bought that off a room temperature shelf), "frost brew liners" (though beer cans have all been lined ever since switching from tin), and even, back in 2005, an 8 oz. can that would keep your beer colder, by virtue of the fact that if you finish the beer faster, it won't have time to get warm! In 1999, they also came up with their self described "innovation" of creating a 16 oz. "keg shaped" can "to support its convenience store customers". Who DRIVE to and from the convenience store.

Beer labels that turn blue in the 'fridge has to be one of the signs of the apocalypse. If Coors made wine, maybe they could make a label that turns purple after say, 8 or 9 years, just as that grape-y goodness hits its peak. Or maybe they could make it in wide mouth bottles? Here's a tip for you Coors drinkers while stoking the backyard grill this summer. When those little black charcoal briquets turn bright red, they're hot. Blue - cold beer, red - hot coal. Neat huh? But please, don't take my word for it, touch one and see for yourself.

Honestly, we really don't have problems with any of this if they would just make one change to the packaging for the rest of us. Quit calling it beer!

We're going to go hit the fridge and watch the Cavs continue their playoff run. I know my Dos Equis is cold when my fingers touch the glass bottle and the working nerve endings in my fingers trigger synapses to my brain making my neurotransmitters shout COLD. Works on every brand. But just for the record, we'd love to push the "Most Interesting Man in the World" right off a cliff.

Twitter-pated.

2009-04-20T15:02:00.009-04:00

Twitter-pated - adjective. (from the colloquial "twit")

1. To be so constipated of thought and speech so as to only communicate in brief, fragmented text lines propagated via mobile communication devices. 2. A reference to one who is incapable of forming thoughts in anything more than grunts or throat clicks, who has then formed a pathetic dependency on social branding and celebrity worship in that they pretend to be associated with those they ask to recieve messages from. 3. A sad statement on the advancing decay of society.

Does it strike anyone else as being odd that we live in a culture where most individuals would rather cross a street than have to look someone in the eye and say good morning? Yet an internet social service called Twitter delivers more than 3 million messages a day to people across the globe. Twitter. The word has come to nauseate me.

What used to be an endearing reference to spring romance for Bambi, Thumper and Flower is now a perfect descriptor for crackberry addicts and iPhone loners - too socially inept to form real sentences (or real relationships) so they stutter their drivel out in 140 characters or less and give it a cute name - they're Twitter-pated. Try as they might to push it out, they're so verbally constipated they just can't seem to express a thought worth more than a grammatically abhorrent text message, that people referred to as "followers" will hang on each and every day.

Does anyone see the connection to really bad future sci-fi? Mindless masses, meaningless lives? Ya think?

Let me put this in a sentence. The first Twitter user to gather 1 million "followers" to his Twitter-flock is... wait for it... Ashton Kutcher. Point made. Ashton Kutcher. This is not a font of world-weary knowledge or metaphysical insights. This is a pop culture celebrity. Are we really the same society that is dedicating scientists toward solving global warming, politicians and diplomats to creating a meaningful foundation for world peace? Or is this the Miss America show? Incidentally, Oprah only scores about a third of Mr. Kutcher's sycophants, but give her time, she's still trying to catch up with Britney Spears.

Somehow back at the beginning of the year, someone told anyone that thirsts for a blink in the public eye that Twitterpation was all the rage. Suddenly senators and congressman, bestowed by voters with the privilege to attend an event with the historical gravitas of President Barack Obama's first address to the nation, were blissfully ignoring our nation's newly elected leader in order to pass along their personal meanderings over their smart phones. Allow me a moment to address our elected officials directly - Hey! I shut my phone off at the fucking movie theater in the mall, have some respect and try to hide your ignorance until the speech is over, could ya? - thank you.

Between then and now, Twitterpation is only spreading. CNN would have you think that you'll miss the destruction of Iran, Korea and Cincinnati, if you're not "following" their breaking news feed. Every TV program, celebrity PR staff and ad agency client is touting a Twitter sign-up. While Facebook, the number one social network on the web posted a 228% increase in users this past February, Twitter grew at 1382%. What the ?

The new cool is to out follow you're competitors and corral the biggest herd of sap headed cattle on the ranch. Bragging rights are going to the most likely suspects - those with the least intelligent things to say. We are living in a society that is proud to use advanced technology to vote singers off of a talent show while we are complaining about the cost of exploring space or finding a way to eliminate hydrocarbons. God bless our pointy little heads.

So, to the Twitterpated addlebrained masses, I would urge a word of caution. Hunker down and lift a dictionary, an encyclopedia (one written by actual scholars), a book with full sentences. Engage in conversation with a real person who is sitting in close proximity. Form ideas in your mind before speaking. Or risk a day when technology fails us and the lights go out with the breathable oxygen. But wait - you'll already be right at home. All you'll need is a drum set.

Carlin-esqe, Stewart does the profession proud.

2009-03-24T14:41:00.009-04:00

In the realm of better-late-than-never posts, we've finally gotten off our duffs to voice our support and admiration to Jon Stewart and the folks at The Daily Show on Comedy Central.

On March 12, Jon Stewart had his day (or show, as it were) facing off with CNBC's Jim Cramer, the hyperactive host of the investor's advice show Mad Money. Cramer and his financial "reporter" buddies at CNBC have been coming under fire for some time for their incredibly cavalier irresponsibility in suggesting ways in which the market "savvy" can profit from a decimated Wall Street. Read "saavy" as greedy, conniving and arrogant, which puts you in the perfect mind to watch Stewart, comically, mostly politely and sometimes bitingly, read Cramer the riot act for being a stock market huckster and financial banking stooge.

The interview is shown below in three clips courtesy of Comedy Central. Even after the weeks that have passed, we think this is about as good as it gets for observational everyman analysis of a true human frailty, in this case, greed. With financial chicanery having been touted as bold and brash market genius over decades of "greed is good" Wall Street bravado, the cool of the power play has been unmasked to be simple thievery. Jon Stewart nails it, and does so over and over again in an interview that deserves a place in every economic time capsule we create to memorialize this dark chapter in America's social history. All the while, Jim Cramer comes off much like a tongue-tied, guilt ridden 16 year old caught with the car keys and a six pack of beer. Oops! At least the man knows when he's getting what he deserves.

We were blown away by Stewart's preparedness and passion, but then we often are. Jon Stewart is still the best thing about The Daily Show and no one who's spun-off from the show or that fills in the bits and pieces comes close to the main man's comic timing or sense for performance. Jon, George would be proud. If he happened to looking down that night you can be sure that, like us, he was rooting for you and laughing his ass off.

Here's the interview...

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Pt. 1

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Pt. 2

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Pt. 3

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

Joaquin Phoenix scares me too!

2009-02-12T16:00:00.007-05:00

If you've been following the career/hoax/self-destruction of Joaquin Phoenix you were in for a special treat last night.

CBS Late Show host David Letterman brought his special brand of Smart-ass laced practical observation in focus on Phoenix's new and decidedly disturbing makeover. If you thought global warming was causing a serious meltdown, nature doesn't have anything on what the new Howard Hughes of Hollywood is doing to his rep. Between five minutes trying to interview this guy and the worst nature can dish out, I'll take dodging a blizzard of those razor sharp snowflakes.

A bit of disclosure - everywhere the bearded one is appearing to push his new hip hop rap act, brother-in-law Casey Affleck is in tow with camera and documentary team. Hmmm? After all, this guy's been nominated twice for an Oscar. Maybe this'll put him over the top.

A note of thanks to the folks at CBS for allowing Late Show video to be legally embedded on other sites.

Nature scares me.

2009-02-06T13:25:00.008-05:00

How would this be for climate change, sharp snow? As the world goes a little crazier each day, these are the thoughts that have been creeping out of my subconscious. Think about it. What if those innocent, glistening, fluffy snowflakes had edges as sharp as razor blades? Just one step out into a white christmas could scar you for life. The impulse to throw a snowball would mean losing several fingers. Shoppers getting caught in a blizzard would become a pink-misted blood bath.

Too silly? Go ahead, toss it off like it's a billion dollars in a government bail-out bill, but consider this - what if the rain falling down on your house, your car and your head were mostly... ACID? Ah ha!

In these days of rampant global climate change, winter days in the 70's, deep freezes in the south and tornados as common as lead-laced chinese baby toys, nature could go postal any day now.

Think the changing colors on autumn leaves is a thing of beauty? Ever rush into the rolling scenic hills of the Northeast to watch the fall foliage? What if that vibrant rustic rainbow were just a trap? It's not like nature doesn't already know how to lure prey. What if, just as we dull-witted humans wandered out into the crimson and gold forest, the leaves began to rain down on our soft vulnerable scalps... and each leaf weighed three pounds? Three pounders could do some serious damage. And what if the squirrels, running from limb to limb and across the damp forest floor, jumped from behind their multicolored camouflage and leaped right for your neck, as desperate ravaging man-eaters? Could happen. Scary as hell if it does.

This is why I don't sleep. Nature, I know, is spiraling out of control and we're too late. The oceans are advancing and sharks are holding organizing meetings. Whales have a particular interest in Japan. Schools of tiny krill were recently seen in Antarctica, patching together old tuna nets to drag apart the ice flows and tug icebergs into southern shipping lanes. Dolphins reportedly have filed a class action suit for unpaid Flipper residuals. While NASA lands remote control RV models on meteorites and the Weather Channel is working on new merchandising logos, our world is going to hell and no one is screaming loud enough.

Go ahead, click you're browser's back button. Get up each morning and expect a sunny day. Block out the reality that one of these days there'll be an asteroid closer to our planet than a Christmas week parking place at the mall. All I know is, the guy who comes up with razor proof snow mittens is going to make a fortune next winter.

Forget Inauguration tickets, time to find these glasses!

2009-01-29T13:54:00.003-05:00

Think it was tough to find a ticket to Obama's inauguration? Tell it to the parents of kids screaming to see Monsters vs. Aliens popping out of their TV screens on Superbowl Sunday. We wish all of you luck. Here's the details one more time. If you come up empty on the glasses thing, let us know - we'll be happy to join a chorus of pissed consumers who got hosed with hype - in 3 dimensions.

Those cheap Bastards!

2009-01-05T20:30:00.007-05:00

In June of last year, news hit the media that foreign beverage giant InBev (never mind that it sounds like some sinister future consortium bent on world domination) announced a takeover attempt of beloved American beer maker Anheuser Bush. That would be Budweiser on the block. In spite of noble efforts on the part of Bud drinkers across America and even a US Senator representing the good people of St. Louis, the hammer fell and Budweiser slipped into the hands of (ugh) foreigners. We registered our displeasure and our deepest fears in a column called "And let me show you where you can put the Clydesdales".

Today comes news that InBev has put into motion a further repression of all that we held sacred with the consumption of an ice cold Bud... namely free beer. That's right, free. There were still places in this country that were hallowed ground for Bud drinkers. Among the lilting scents of hay, fresh painted barns and horse dung, any American of drinking age could settle in among the copper vats and Clydesdale stables in any Busch Gardens or Sea World themepark around the country and enjoy the hospitality of the good brewers of St. Louis.

By sauntering over to the counter in an Anheuser Busch Hospitality House, Americans (and our foreign theme park ticket buying guests) could take a load off, settle in among like-minded friends and sample the golden brew that set the standard for animated beer bottle football. That is until now.

The foreign menace InBev has declared that free Bud will for now and likely forever flow only from the taps of the elite and arrogant executive lunchrooms of InBev's (probably secret) headquarters. Ordinary Americans and common class world citizenry will pay. Hospitality houses in each of the company's themeparks will close immediately and undergo renovations to become pay-to-eat profit grabbing restaurants where the Bud that was once dispensed for free will now carry a price.

Indeed, a price that challenges the very liberties this country fought for in declaring its once precious independence. Is this beer so unlike those crates of tea in Boston harbor? Does the word "freedom" not begin with F-R-E-E? My God, what are we as a nation if not a people who will pull together when our only ready source of free beer is yanked from us as if we are subservient consumers to a world market? For me, the brew will forever be a touch more bitter and the buzz, forever tainted with the taste of someone else's profits.

Come to think of it, just what do shares of InBev go for?

Top Ten Lists are for Suckers

2008-12-31T15:34:00.008-05:00

What are the top ten news stories of 2008? If you haven't been trapped in a cave for the last twelve months or the possessor of a world class sub-intellect, you likely can rip off five of the top ten from almost any news agency in the country. At least three of the other five would be subject to open debate and the other two are throwaways, filler that the author threw in to make his deadline, stoke a pet peeve or sneaked through on sheer laziness. Top ten movies, books, new culinary treats, most inane auctions sold on eBay - same goes, just a lot of crap to fill up those end of year columns. Ummm - sorta like this one.

Ahh, but here you find truth. Here you find wisdom. Here you find a writer who's not even going to bother to come up with ten of anything. Which leads me to...

The Top Nine Reasons Top Ten Lists are for Suckers.

(We'll do that countdown backward thing since it's so engrained into our David Letterman collective consciousness.)

#9 - It's bad enough that we let critics tell us what movies to see and Oprah Winfrey dictate what books we read, but you don't even know the newspaper schnook who's telling you what local restaurants to eat at. Local newspaper top ten lists are for the truly opinion impaired.

#8 - The top ten news stories of the year are all being debated ad nauseam by the top ten (and then some) most obnoxious, irritating, untalented, ignorant, interview skill-set lacking collection of "news channel" talking head morons ever to be paraded across an electronic medium. (Excuse me, I've really needed to get that out since the election.)

#7 - Who's compiling the top ten top ten lists? I wonder who would be the top ten authorities to take on such a task? Where would the top ten places be to publish such a thing? What would be the top ten reasons for creating a top ten? For that matter, why isn't there a top ten hall of fame? In fact, what are the top ten Hall of Fames? What are the top ten pop culture pastimes that don't yet have a Hall of Fame? You see how insidious this is? I can't make it stop... what are the top ten reasons for wanting it to stop... help me...

#6 - I'm seriously considering starting a new concept in the posts of this very blog - the middle four or five funny things of the month. Let me know your thoughts.

#5 - Wanna impress me? Someone publish the top billion best thoughts since the beginning of man with comprehensive footnotes and an up-to-date bibliography. Then I'll shut up and read.

#4 - Think about it - this whole thing started with criminals and the post office.

#3 - Take a good look at our corporate leaders, our celebrity "journalists", reality TV, our state's high school test scores - if we really want to get in step with reality, shouldn't these all be the "average is as good as it gets - ten" lists?

#2 - If you had followed the advise of the same pundits who over the last week have been spewing top tens of everything, just this year alone you would have -

-been driving a gas guzzling SUV

-placing unreturned phone calls to your internet broker

-seen both Speed Racer and Mike Myers' The Love Guru

-given away your HD DVD and bought a Blu-ray

-sent a sympathy card to Steve Job's house

-voted Republican

-bought season long DVDs of shows canceled during the writer's strike

-started a family photo blog

-been scraping a Hilary Clinton bumper sticker off the that SUV and trying to understand what's so wrong with a gas tax break

-realized you just read a top ten list cleverly hidden in an article eschewing top ten lists.

AND... the #1 reason Top ten Lists are for Suckers....

#1 - Sarah Palin!

Hell, this year she could make almost any list for any reason, but by including her on my list I can put that picture up there, thereby conning a bunch of otherwise uninterested readers into reading this post. See, told you top ten lists are for suckers.

Just for the record, the real reason for this post was to win an almost forgotten bet that I wouldn't use the word "eschewing" on the internet this year. See you in '09.

Have you ever noticed... Beyoncé can't dance.

2008-12-18T07:17:00.008-05:00

Since we've recently taken a couple of shots at the entertainment and personality impaired Rosie O'Donnell, we were concerned about getting a rep for only pointing out the flaws of the least attractive people on the planet. In order to show our abject indiscretion for insulting (even the most attractive) talent, let's take a quick look at the dancing skills of amazon singer Beyoncé. We were struck by how badly this woman dances the first time we saw her perform. After stumbling across the video for Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It), the indisputable proof has been definitively documented. I give you Beyoncé...

Think we're way off the mark here? Let's bring on the ultimate acid test of bad dance movement for comparison. We submit that Beyoncé could give Elaine a run for her money.

Since Cadillac Records seems to be getting decent critical notices, we'll keep our fingers crossed for Beyoncé's movie career. In the meantime, this has to be the most awkward video we've seen since Couric stumped Palin with questions from 3rd graders. Palin trying to find a smart answer, now that was dancing!

America steps around it while NBC stepped right into it.

2008-12-01T11:06:00.010-05:00

Like a flaming paper bag left on the network's front porch, NBC jumped right onto airing Rosie Live last week. And now NBC is desperately trying to wipe it off the bottoms of their shoes.

Forget all of the problems in the world for just the space of this column and instead, revel in the fact that every now and then, we the American people can see through the hype being foisted on us. Well, at least all but a few million of us, who are likely the same kind of people who only go to races to see the crashes.

This past Wednesday night was quite a crash at that. In fact NBC saw a plummet that makes the stock market look tame. Perhaps we should start calling a massive sell off in the market a "Rosie".

Here's the clip from The Hollywood Reporter:

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) – A mere 5 million viewers tuned in Wednesday for the 8 p.m. bow of Rosie O'Donnell's variety show, "Rosie Live," on NBC. The show has been dropped from the network's schedule.
Among those making appearances on the hourlong program -- conceived as a throwback to such series as "The Carol Burnett Show" -- were Alanis Morissette, Alec Baldwin, Clay Aiken, Ne-Yo and Liza Minnelli. It earned a 1.2 preliminary rating among adults 18-49.
During the weekend, O'Donnell, a former cohost of "The View," wrote on her blog that the low ratings and bad reviews meant that NBC would not pick up the series.
Reuters/Hollywood Reporter

Thank you America for restoring my confidence that we are indeed a nation that can recognize sh*t from shinola.

Rosie's picture is courtesy of Rosie's Blog at Rosie.com.

Hot-air Hype of a Talentless Hack or An Old Bag of Wind Blows Hard

2008-11-26T17:09:00.012-05:00

Here are two words that don't go together - "Rosie" and "reinvention". There's not been anything new about Rosie O'Donnell since she was introduced on the first afternoon of her happily defunct (and self-decimated) talk show.

By re-stoking outrageously fabricated arguments and make-believe petty infighting, her brief stint as a loud-mouth-at-the-table on The View has now turned into the longest promo stunt ever to hype whatever next project that might be on the horizon. Seems O'Donnell and The View producer Barbara Walters are both as shameless in the Hucksters Hall of Fame as co-slick-dick Donald Trump. So even though it's the return of the variety show that Rosie's loud mouth is hyping now, with the help of practically anyone and everyone that has the letters NBC in the name of their channel or imprinted on their paycheck, there's no variety in the reality.

And that reality is that Rosie is as great a windbag as anything we've ever sent into the atmosphere to see which way the wind blows (which seems to be how television keeps coming back to find work for this woman). We at SiR will be seriously hoping the great bubble of gas that is Ms. O'Donnell will blow apart her new project with all the self-destructive force of a bunkerbuster, or at least bleed out and fizzle with little attention and even less interest.

In this world of reality shows and cellphone voting competition TV, the lowest common denominator must have already been reached. But then there's always the chance that Rosie Live is staking out ground for a brand new bottom.

Stuff we can fix before we flip out.

2008-11-14T12:33:00.009-05:00

Sad, but it's true. Ever since the country's gotten it's economic ass handed to it, the stress level is the only thing on the rise. It used to be fun making up Sarah Palin jokes and mocking that old codger who was her running mate, but those halcyon days of political parody may finally be over. Though we couldn't have picked a better place to banish the Neiman Marcus clad hockey mom than the frozen tundra of an Alaskan winter, we're almost sorry she didn't move into one of McCain's empty houses. Perhaps one day she'll get lost on one of her husband's snow machines (when did they stop calling them snowmobiles?) encounter a pack of polar bears and she'll be back in the headlines for eating an endangered species... we'll I'm getting lost in high hopes here.

But that brings me to the point of this post. With stock market charts doing a pretty good impression of a roller coaster design CAD, and everyone ranting on endlessly about how bad retailers are going to be sucking the cold winds this Christmas, this could be a great time to go out and fix some of the simple s@*t to make all of our lives a bit more bearable? With that high purpose in mind, let's suppose some of life's irritations that, by mere eradication, could at least bring a moment of sense in this non-sensical world. Since most tasks work best on a deadline, let's shoot for getting something done, say before our credit limits max out. So in no particular order...

1. Not that many of us can afford to eat out any more, but this one's a priority on my list. I love to celebrate as much as the next guy but if a. I don't know you, b. you're eating in the same restaurant as me, and c. it's your birthday - shut the hell up about it and don't encourage the idiot staff to go all drill sergeant on everyone by shouting and singing to the rafters. We've gotten rid of cigarette smoke but somehow people think screaming Happy Birthday from across a crowded room is publicly acceptable. End it now or eat in the parking lot.

2. Ever walk into a public restroom and get subjected to a close facsimile of the sounds of Canadian geese being raped? Ever doubled over with gas and on the verge of blessed release but polite enough to be sucking instead of blowing for the sake of your stall neighbor? Well here's the place that all that birthday singing could be put to use. For decency sake, turn up the F'n music! Would boosting the db in the bathroom be so much to ask for? Just some raucous rock n' roll to mask out some of life's unpleasantries? Or at least make it policy that those restaurant birthdays have to be celebrated in the crapper.

3. Not to go off on a total road rant, but everybody's got it tough nowadays and we're likely most apt to be thinking about how pissed off we all are while we're in our cars. So here's the deal... blinkers - use them, they help the smart people know what the dumb people are thinking. Stop signs - stop at them, or begin to fear the intentional ramming that's about to be unleashed on you from those of us who no longer can afford to drive nice cars. Cell phones - tell your call to hold just a sec, turn up the ringtones nice and loud, pull over to the shoulder, get out, drop your pants or hike up your skirt, then squat and discover the true meaning of rolling over your minutes. Next time your blithely careening across lanes as you're lost in conversation during your free nights and weekends, try to remember that the rest of us are already in a bad mood and that the site of your cellphone permanently lodged in your temple, next to the steering wheel embedded in your forehead, will only afford us a brief chuckle before we continue on with our drive home.

4. This one's simple. Take the bluetooth out of your ear. Seriously, take it out. Now. If you stand in front of me at the check out and jabber on while that freaking blue light flashes in your ear, you had better be well prepared to lose it. Your ear. No s*%t. I'm serious here. I'm just going to rip your f*#@in ear off.

5. All the world's not an ATM. God bless all you polite people for standing well back to afford the ATM user their proper privacy and security as they enter their top secret pin codes and complete their monetary transactions. That's very nice of you. But that's enough. There's no need and no excuse (not even if you're practicing for the ATM line) to be standing 16 freakin' feet from the person in front of you for anything else. That rope line at the register in Borders? Move up! The line for self checkout at the supermarket? Step lively. Waiting to buy a ticket at the box-office? Squeeze in or I'll kneecap ya. For the love of God, MOVE UP! Pick a register at the McDonalds and crowd the counter. The person in front of you not moving quickly enough? - reach across and throw their wallet through the room. While they're playing fetch we can be placing our orders. Sorry you ass draggers, this is no time to be testing the patience of the general public. Time to get with the game and pay attention. You're going to have to learn to love feigning intelligence.

There's five simple steps the planet can take to help us calm our nerves through this challenging and problematic time. Pass them along, add more of your own and share your thoughts. Maybe, if just one of these ideas takes root and becomes common practice, losing our money, our credit cards, our cars, our homes and our way of life will be worth it. Yeah, I know - but a man can dream.

Putting Palin back into deep freeze. A frightening experiment that could have gone horribly wrong.

2008-11-06T11:34:00.011-05:00

Didn't vote for our new President Elect? Convinced John McCain could have done great things with the opportunity to sit behind the desk in the Oval Office? Still think the man would have gotten through the next four years in good health and sound mind without even a moment, an hour, a day of incapacity that may have left the VP in charge?

Take heart, you do believe in fairy tales. But even in fairy tales, there are evil forces always lurking in the sinister shadows, waiting to pounce on the good and fair citizens. (Even if that sinister force is a bit inept, self-aggrandizing and... addicted to shopping?) Case in point...

The last thing we'd like to do is promote anything with the names Fox or Bill O'Reilly pasted on them but hey, this is a satire column. So there you have it good citizens. The last time something this scary crawled from the ice in Alaska they made a movie about it. And in the movie version hardly anyone got out alive!

But I bet even the Thing would have known Africa was a continent.

Thanks to the folks at the Orlando Sentinel for posting the video and making us aware of the report.

Major League Baseball is all wet.

2008-10-28T12:04:00.017-04:00

In a country already reeling from corporate and political incompetence leave it to Major League Baseball to join in the party. In last night's Game 5 of the World Series, MLB as represented by Commissioner Bud Selig bested the famous Tom Hanks line from A League of their Own; instead of "There's no crying in baseball", Selig has proved the line should have been "There's no common sense".

For the non baseball cognoscenti, last night's World Series game was a game 5 with the Philadelphia Phillies leading the Tampa Bay Rays by 3 games to 1. This game in Philly would be a series decider with Tampa either winning and heading back to Florida for game 6 or the Phillies being crowned World Champs in front of their home crowd. One could argue that this qualified as a "big" game. Perhaps someone at MLB should have sent out a memo.

Instead of a tense and exciting drama pitting two teams of great athletes in a showcase of championship caliber baseball, we got a rainy and cold joke not befitting a Little League World Series. It was raining right from the start. (By the 5th inning pools of water had formed at every base and windchill had dropped into the thirties.) With this new-fangled technology (that Major Laegue Baseball is apparently unaware of) called R-A-D-A-R we can actually see rain clouds on the horizon. We can "predict" when and how long it may rain! Remarkable. If only the Baseball Commissioner had realized all of these tools were at his disposal. Perhaps then, instead of blundering into a situation that may have resulted in calling a partial game a win (what would have been a first in World Series history), giving the Phillies the Championship, the game could have been called early enough so that it may have been ruled incomplete and then replayed. Hopefully under far clearer skies.

As it worked out, Bud Selig and MLB, in the Philly vernacular, "got really freakin' lucky". With Tampa Bay up in the 6th inning trailing by 1 run and squinting off a down pour at the batters box, B.J. Upton was able to race home on a hit by Carlos Pena. With a tie game, Selig and company were able to move to suspend the game and resume it when better conditions present themselves. Talk about being handed a gift. On the heels of some of the worst decision making and planning a major sports league could have offered from it's executive think tank, a break comes along in the course of play that totally takes them off the hook.

With the game called at a tie in the 6th inning but before the Phillies have had their 6th inning at bat, the game is ruled a suspension, and rather than be replayed, will be resumed where it left off, as soon as it is possible. This means the brain trust that is led by Selig will have play resumed in Philadelphia as soon as the weather moves out. In Selig's own words, "we'll stay here if we have to spend Thanksgiving here". As it stands, the result of all this may be a final meeting between the two World Series teams that lasts only 3 1/2 innings. Bud Selig should be thankful for even surviving to see Thanksgiving day. What might have been, last night would have been a historic travesty in professional sports. Bud, you're one lucky bastard. Now give the fans their due and make this the last season you'll be playing the part of the Inspector Clouseau of Major League Baseball.

Opie goes Obama!

2008-10-24T19:02:00.012-04:00

OK, here's the ultimate celebrity endorsement. Makes you wonder though. Ya' think Potsie & Ralph are leaning Obama? Betcha that ole' bitty Aunt Bea is a McCain fan although I can only imagine how Palin's wardrobe would have the Mayberry Sewing Club's tongues wagging. Just more proof that everyone in Hollywood thinks we care about what celebrities think. And yes, we do think stripping the shirt off and the nose hair trim is pretty out there.

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

At least he's backing the guy we want to see win. Laugh or cringe, nobody really cares so long as you VOTE!

What's so funny about lies, hate and misunderstanding?

2008-10-15T10:00:00.000-04:00

If you believed the Republican candidate for President, you'd be buying that this country were on the verge of putting a muslim terror supporter and close knit friend of an American radical who uses explosives to make his point, into the White House. You'd also believe that an 8 year old child would somehow grow up to embrace the policies and beliefs of that American radical some 4 decades later.

You'd believe that an elected Senator with a background in community service, higher education and legal studies has evolved into a sleeper agent for anti-americanism in spite of his efforts during a hard fought campaign over more than 18 months to be elected to serve in the nation's highest office.

You would believe this same man, who carries the pride of being the first African-American to be nominated as a Presidential candidate in a major American political party, who stands as a proud husband and father, who has inspired millions of new voters and voters who have grown tired and disenchanted with a political system mired and broken from neglect and abuse, is secretly plotting to attack your very own American values by plotting to raise middle class taxes, take away union rights and sell-out America's security to rogue governments and hostile nations.

You would believe that this man is hellbent on dishonorable surrender (in a war with nothing left to be won) while leaving our fighting men and women to return in shame as if they somehow haven't already won our respect and gratitude for their dedication and sacrifice.

You would believe that Barack Obama has a middle name that is a code for radical extremism.

You would believe that this man who speaks of hope and change and has insisted on taking the high road in debate and while under attack by sticking to issues rather than pandering to the pressure of dismissive and negative campaigning, that this man is somehow dangerous for our future.

You would, simply put, believe a lie.

You would be believing a man who has placed an inexperienced and gravely unprepared candidate for Vice President, a single moment of tragedy from the Oval Office.

You would be believing a man who has accepted comments and rhetoric from his VP choice that are inflammatory, evasive, mistaken and patently untrue. A woman who after being found to have "abused her power" and broken an ethics law in the state where she is Governor, respond to the finding by saying to the American press that she is happy the findings indicate that she has not done anything illegal or unethical.

You would be believing a man desperate to achieve a final selfish and egotistical wish of becoming President of the United States, a goal so engrained as the final chapter of his life in his own selfish vision that he has dispensed with any high-minded decorum and left promises of a positive and politically pertinent campaign where the voting public would be honored with a debate on issues and policy rather than personal attacks and slander, far behind in the dust of shifting opinions and polling.

You would be believing a man who twists words, fabricates issues, speaks in anger, acts impulsively, mangles facts with conjecture and knowingly stirs mistrust and negativity.

John McCain is not suited to be an American President. John McCain has sacrificed his image as a patriot. John McCain is no more or less a hero than the countless hundreds of thousands of soldiers who have represented our nations honor and interests in this war and all other wars in our past.

John McCain is a shameful example of exactly what is wrong with American Politics today.

Like Sarah Palin, John McCain has crossed over the line that makes it a little too hard to keep laughing.

So much for political humor.

The McCain Game.

2008-10-10T18:09:00.011-04:00

Hey kids, here's a fun new way to twist a phrase into a political truism.

Have you ever played the Fortune Cookie game? You know the one, you break your fortune cookie in front of all your dinner pals and add the words "in bed" to whatever is written on your fortune. So... "Your boss is considering giving you a raise" becomes "Your boss is considering giving you a raise... in bed". Hours of hilarity always ensues.

Or how about watching Triumph the Insult Comic Dog? You know the bit... "John McCain is an excellent candidate for President of the United States... for me to poop on!"

OK, you get the idea. And we got the idea that since John McCain seems so fond of using his years of incarceration as a prisoner of war as an excuse for pandering to patriotic Americans (most recently kissing up in the last debate with Terry Chary, an audience member called on to ask a question and who also conveniently mentioned that he was chief petty officer in the Navy), that we could help find both an excuse for the ramblings of a doddering old Senator while at the same time bringing that rare ring of truth to his desperate grasps to get elected.

So here are some statements Senator McCain might utter and that you might now find a bit of truth in... just add "...but of course you have to remember that I was tortured in a POW camp for five years!" to the end of every statement.

Here's an example, it would go something like this...

"Sarah Palin seems to me to be the absolutely best qualified candidate I could have possibly chosen to be my running mate... but of course you have to remember that I was tortured in a POW camp for five years!"

Fun huh? Now you try...

"I believe Joe Lieberman to be a true democrat who sees great value in crossing the aisle for the good of our country..."

"If Barack Obama were to win the November election, I will be proud, in my role as US Senator, to offer my every effort to help his administration change Washington politics..."

"I would never bring my sacrifices as a young Navy fighter pilot and my capture and torture as a POW to bear in trying to influence voters that I am some how more worthy and more patriotic than my political opponents..."

"My wife's father's beer fortune had absolutely no influence on me when I dumped my first wife and asked Cindy to marry me..."

"So I have no idea how many homes I own, what foreign cars I drive or what the hell I was thinking when I flew to Alaska to meet that Palin woman, the bottom line my friends is that I can assure you that I will always put my country first..."

"I can fix this economy, I can get your jobs back, I can get the cronyism out of washington, I know how to do that, I can shake things up and I can reach across the aisle my friends, I know how to do that, and I can find Bin Laden and I can beat the terrorists and I can solve global warming because I know how to do that..."

"I have sound judgement and am ready to be your commander and chief..."

"I have always thought that the movie "The Manchurian Candidate" was as far fetched as any movie I have seen in my entire life..."

OK, you get the idea, now it's your turn to make up your own. And if you want to double your fun, try to come up with statements crazier and even more preposterous than McCain does himself. Triple your fun by besting Palin! Good luck. Here at Satire is Reason, I'm already getting ready for the fun and excitement of the third Presidential debate next week... but of course you have to remember that I was tortured in a POW camp for five years!

A bit of news from ZapRoot.

2008-10-08T12:26:00.004-04:00

There are a lot of video news clips on the net, most not worth the ten seconds it takes to find the pause button and move on. Here's one we got a chuckle from. If you like it check out their website and let us know, we'll include occasional installments right here on Satire is Reason.

Your Kid’s a Fatty | ZapRoot 058
Uploaded by viropop

Economically speaking, Palin punch lines have become seriously depressing.

2008-10-06T16:27:00.009-04:00

As in the best Halloween horror movies, it's a great defense mechanism to laugh at the scary parts. Somehow it's not so easy to laugh when you know it's not a movie. Laughing along with Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live as she perfectly skewers Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin is pretty easy, or at least has been. With the economy in shambles and the worldwide stock markets forcing us to acknowledge the havoc, the jokes don't nearly mask the fear anymore. John McCain, in a nuclear explosion of bad judgement has put our world at risk by making Sarah Palin the very real successor to the Presidency in a McCain administration, and the SNL chuckles can't nearly drown out the screams.

The man is running for President. The truth is that the man is also running for his legacy. At least the legacy he seems likely to have been already living for decades in his own mind. Can you possibly doubt that John McCain simply sees the Presidency as his end. As the final chapter in the great journey from prisoner of war to US history text books. After the decision to nominate Sarah Palin as his running mate, John McCain has exploded his image of "maverick" with the reality of his hell-bent ego. With a determination not even second to his overwhelming will to survive, McCain is staking our country's security on his idea that his rise to become the President of the United States is his manifest destiny. His choosing Sarah Palin to infuse excitement and conservative values into his otherwise dull and not very conservative campaign is a resounding example of his stump speech mantra, that his ticket "will shake things up in Washington" and that as the nation's leader he'll do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes to get elected is one hell of a scary proposition.

If you've watched Sarah Palin's infamous interviews with Charly Gibson and Katie Couric and still were rooting for the Republicans, then watched the VP debate and came away thinking your candidate did pretty well (I'll dismiss anyone who actually believes Palin won the debate with the same indifference I'd show to someone who believes Obama is a closet Muslim), I can only say you are in need of a lesson from Halloween horror movie 101.

Voting for McCain and Palin on November 4th is a lot like the best Halloween classics. You know the danger lurks in every dark corner but you still walk into the room without turning on the lights. The audience is watching you walk into your polling place and they're screaming at you not to do it, yet you walk out into the open to see what that weird noise was anyway. Just as the knife is about to get plunged in and you pull the McCain/Palin lever, they scream at the top of their lungs and your vote drops in a bloody heap.

Scary? Incredibly so. Particularly since there's no going back if we waste this election as we've discovered we've wasted the last two.

But putting Sarah Palin in the Vice President's residence is unconscionably frightening. Her admitted interest in expanding the powers of the Vice Presidency (a concept unfathomable after Cheney), her woeful lack of intellect (a friend likened Palin's performance in the VP debate as touting accomplishments as a checker at Walmart to land a team leader role at Microsoft), and her deep rooted beliefs that she actually IS qualified and wouldn't "blink" in assuming the Presidency, make her the ultimate example of what this country must not allow John McCain's self-absorbed political campaign to come to. Regardless of our desire to watch Tina Fey's talents on SNL for the next four years and cover our fear with laughter.

With all of our massive problems and a world teetering on economic depression, and with much due respect to Ms. Fey, Sarah Palin just isn't funny anymore.

David Blaine's latest trick: you'll believe a man can dangle from his feet!

2008-09-23T12:33:00.015-04:00

David Blaine apparently likes to be called a magician. I guess it's kind of like a garbage man preferring the term sanitation engineer. In the later case, the truth would be that there's just no engineering about it. In Mr. Blaine's case, aside from gathering an audience and unprecedented publicity, there's no magic and nothing particularly magical about him. Take some recent history as an example - buried in a block of ice, spending days in a giant fishbowl or (as of sometime yesterday) dangling upside down from a truss rig. Where's the idea of magic even enter into it?

These are stunts, practiced, heavily engineered and rehearsed. They each have likely been thought through and designed over the course of years. A tip of the hat to Mr. Blaine for physical conditioning and hutzpah. But magic? Getting our asses out of the current fiasco we call an economy, now that would be magic, but I doubt even the Secretary of the Treasury will be writing magician on his business card.

The truth is that David Blaine brings out the worst in me. I find myself rooting with fingers crossed and anticipation high, for Mr. Blaine to utterly fail. I'm not rooting for anything as sinister as the cable snapping in the middle of this silliness. What I'm hoping for is a simple ominous bout of unconsciousness that would lead to an inglorious and abrupt, albeit harmless, end to the whole affair before the live ABC cameras can make it to the big finale show. Has this guy ever really paid off even one of these stunts with anything more than a television show prompted round of cheers and the nagging feeling that you've just been suckered?

Did anyone actually believe that Blaine was suffering from hypothermia when he emerged from that block of ice? Was anyone expecting to be anymore than mildly impressed that he could hold his breath in that fishbowl to break all records? (He didn't and frankly, why would anyone care? If it was about breaking the record what the hell was the three day stint of staying submerged all about?) And now Blaine has put together yet another test of his endurance and my patience. And again I ask, if he CAN successfully dangle, for the most part upside down for 60 hours, how is even one minute of your day the least bit more interesting? If Blaine had strapped a dog into the rig, he'd be arrested in minutes for animal cruelty and the only cameras on site would be news crews hyping up the disgust to grab viewers. Blaine getting carted off to jail would make far more compelling television.

If you want to watch a great stunt, there's an alternative to all of this hyped up showbiz. Many years ago, a man pulled off a far more dazzling feat. The meticulous planning was in the stunt design and execution, not in the contractual negotiations with sponsors and a television network. The skills were rooted in the raw talents of the man and not in the snake-oil pitchmanship of the so-called magician busy hyping his craft. The event was revealed to an audience unaware of what they were about to discover in an extraordinary diversion to their morning, rather than a heavily hyped and marketed prime time TV special complete with background, interviews and staged audience reactions.

The real show occurred at about 7:15 in the morning on August seventh, 1974. That was when a 24 year old Frenchman named Philippe Petit left the South Tower of the World Trade Center in Manhattan and spent 45 minutes "dancing" on a highwire some 1350 feet above the heads of dazzled onlookers (and subsequently, police). It was the police who stopped the performance by threatening to have a helicopter try to pluck Petit from the wire, but only after eight crossings, a knee salute and even some time spent lying down on the wire which Petit says he spent conversing with a seagull hovering over him. Police witnesses were bowled over at the site of Petit literally bouncing across the wire, his feet completely leaving it's surface time and time again during his "walk".

Petit's daring stunt was at the time called "the artistic crime of the century". It is the subject of a critically acclaimed documentary titled Man on Wire from Discovery Films and Discovery Home Video. It is by far what true performance art is all about. It is also a telling counterpoint to the shameless self-promotion of David Blaine, his near sacrilegious insistence on invoking the legend of Harry Houdini and the crass commercialism of imbecilic television specials stretched to a full two hours of near drivel leading to what always seems to be a climactic last minute of disappointment. ABC's special is being promoted as "David Blaine: Dive of Death". The closest anything will come to dying is you're attention span and what we pass for television entertainment these days. What would I like to see die in an emphatic splat before the television cameras? ABC's ratings, so Mr. Blaine, along with his obnoxious false humility and pathetic stunts, would just go away.

There's lots of information about Philippe Petit, his famous 1974 walk and the film Man on Wire on the web. To give you a taste, we've included the documentary trailer below courtesy of YouTube.

Palin: poster girl of political desperation.

2008-09-14T14:49:00.007-04:00

If you missed any of the Sarah Palin interview with Charles Gibson on ABC this past week, relax, YouTube to the rescue. There are seemingly hundreds of clips (edited and otherwise) circulating under various search titles with more than a million collective viewings. In a blog devoted to Satire, take it in the spirit of "If I didn't laugh, I'd cry." I urge you to watch more of these interviews and as much of the material about the 2008 election as you can, this is indeed a critical moment in history.

With that said, here's ten and a half minutes of the politics of fear. Fear that one day this woman could actually find herself sitting in the Oval Office. Forget Saw V this year and don't bother digging out your DVD of Halloween. This is by far the scariest video you'll see this fall. (Note that this video clip has been condensed for time through editing.)

Excuse me while I whip this out...

2008-08-28T13:18:00.007-04:00

There's an absolute classic scene in Mel Brooks' Blazing Saddles that centers on Cleavon Little playing Bart, the first appointed black sheriff of Rock Ridge. From a distance we see Bart as he rides into town toward a community ready to welcome their brand new sheriff with a stage presentation and a town band. As he comes into focus, so does the color of his skin, prompting a collective dropping of jaws and any notion of politically correct dialogue (this was after all made in 1974). Bart dismounts from his horse, climbs some steps and takes the podium. Reaching into his belt he utters the classic line "Excuse me while I whip this out.", eliciting gasps from ladies and men alike as he removes... his speech.

It's been 34 years since Blazing Saddles, but tonight's acceptance speech on the grand stage at Denver's Invesco Field, by the first black candidate to be officially nominated as the Democratic nominee for President of the United States, couldn't offer a greater opportunity for a once in a lifetime comic moment to trump all political comic moments for all time. You're already way ahead of me, but just imagine Barack Obama, stepping to the podium with his speech tucked into his beltline, a pause, then that exquisite line. Mel Brooks should have offered millions to charity to make it happen. It would indeed all be in the timing. But wow, what a soundbite.

Now there's an "R" word.

2008-08-15T14:38:00.016-04:00

WARNING: This post deals with ADULT subject matter. In fact, this column will most definitely offend some readers, (apparently), be taken the wrong way by others (inevitably) and generally tread onto ground that will have Blogspot considering dumping our column all together (unfortunately). We will be discussing and using words that may generally be deemed as offensive, rude, vulgar, insulting, insensitive and outrageous. Get over it now or click here to escape.

There, hopefully we only have intelligent adults in the room.

When George Carlin famously came up with his list of 7 dirty words you couldn't say on television, he was quoted as saying, "... it came down to seven, but the list is open to ammendment." In fact, it was almost immediately amended to 10. It didn't then and doesn't now include the word "retard". Carlin's list was what you couldn't say on television. Apparently, according to Andrew J. Imparato, President of The American Association of People with Disabilities and Timothy Shriver, Chairman of the Special Olympics, you shouldn't be allowed to say "the R word" in a movie.

If using "the R word" as a descriptor for "retard" or "retarded" seems ridiculous, let me point out that in researching this piece, of the dozen or so publications I referenced, only The New York Times, actually used the words "mentally retarded" in it's reporting. The others referred instead to "the R word" or it's latest PC alternative "intellectually disabled". Apparently just writing the word, even in intelligent discourse, makes people uncomfortable. Others dancing around the horror of being deemed insensitive used words like "mentally impaired", "slowwitted" and "mentally challenged" ("slowwitted" is socially correct?, really?). In fact, as of 2006 the term "mental retardation" ceased to be used, even by The American Association on Mental Retardation (now the American Association on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities). The change was brought on by decades of "retarded" being used as an insult among "younger people".

The sensitivity to language used to intone abuse has now resulted in a call for boycotting the new Ben Stiller movie Tropic Thunder, released Wednesday by Paramount and Dreamworks.

Let me set the tone for the rest of this article by letting out a giant "give me a fucking break".

The idea of boycotting Tropic Thunder stems from Ben Stiller's character Tugg Speedman. In the film, Speedman is an action-hero movie star who in an attempt to grab some serious "acting cred" stars in a (fictional, mind you) movie called "Simple Jack". On it's (fictional) poster carries the (again, fictional) tagline "Once upon a time... there was a retard". Later in the film is an exchange between two characters, (each a caricatured satiric jab at "actor" types) discussing the merits of playing "retarded" to the degree that it may be deemed Oscar worthy rather than clownish. It pokes fun at some of popular cinema's most famous performances including Tom Hanks' Oscar winning turn as Forrest Gump. In my book, more than suitable ground for satire and parody.

The well meaning but woefully emotionally overcharged reactions by Mr. Imparato and Mr. Shriver are so completely off base with the realities of the situation as to be laughable if they weren't gathering so much serious press. They are indeed with newspapers, magazines and tons of blog posts contributing to stir deep (and valid) emotions while branding Stiller and Paramount as being insensitive, callous and ignorant.

What Imparato, Shriver, and those they feel they are representing, are completely glancing past is the concept of satire. The idea that we can fashion a comic situation from a tragic reality is not new, should not be viewed as taboo and certainly should not be repressed or censored. If not to look closely but only subjectively at the satire presented in regard to the complaint, the target of satire here is to lampoon actors who have turned to portraying handicapped characters merely as an attempt to garner critical accolades and awards. A valid point in satire and (as in so much great comedy) one with a solid grounding in fact.

Personally, I find it impossible to watch a replay of the movie Forrest Gump as I find Robert Zemekis' film of a retarded individual blundering his way through to inadvertent success as manipulative and exploitive as any film I can recall.

That film took its stooge like lead, a character

constantly embarrassing himself and being played upon by others, and wrapped him in a Rockwell-esque nostalgic sweetness, contriving a tale of a champion from what was no more than a narrative of a hapless simpleton. Within this fiction, the character was treated as though we were witness to a biography rather than fancy. I was as tremendously uncomfortable and angry watching as I am recalling the film.

I had the same reaction to Jack Nicholson's classic performance in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and couldn't have been less comfortable watching Cuba Gooding Jr. stumble through Radio. But in no way would I ever suggest that these films or the dozens more like them shouldn't have been made or don't have a right to be made. Just as I would argue that they also have the right to use offensive concepts, language and imagery.

Boycotting, when referring to the act of choosing not to patronize a product or service due to personal objection, is acceptable. Requesting and demanding change is akin to censorship and goes well beyond what a boycott can be allowed to encompass and is, to me, outrageous.

Did Ben Stiller just go too far in his flagrant and seemingly nonchalant use of the word "retard"? Was this a malicious and willful attack against the mentally impaired or handicapped or does Ben just need a lesson in sensitivity? Is any of that argument actually pertinent to the situation? Or is this really about a word? Is this Ben Stiller's "Michael Richards" moment?

Have we become so sensitive to specialized segments of our society that we're willing to begin a list of words that are no longer tolerated because a minority steps forward and expresses exception. Will the "R" word join the "N" word as just the beginning of a list that we can see growing too rapidly to measure? George Carlin got it right when he jumped quickly to show the humor (and idiocy) in isolating words, mere syllables and phonetics, that only carry the meaning we attach, as magically becoming unutterable.

Our society's over-sensitivity now isolates slang and colloquialisms amidst the widening communicative forums that expose our language to greater cultural and societal scrutiny to a growing fervor for acceptability and homogenization. Perhaps the best argument is the hot button racial slang "nigger", the notorious "N" word. Just having the word appear in this column will be seen by some as being an effrontery, an insult or a callous slur. Yet this is a word commonly and casually used by blacks in nearly every medium. Is it indeed offensive, inappropriate, outrageous? Whose ears are listening? Whose eyes are reading? What does it matter when anyone offended can turn the page, change the channel or not buy the ticket?

Words have no power other than the emotions we relate to them. Emotions stem from interpretation. We are individuals and should interpret for ourselves. When enough agree, commerce will out. You have the right to be offended as any other has the right to offend.

The argument for censor-free responses to what offends should strive to find balance with common decency and responsibility. To weigh fair practice with intelligent consideration, even compassion. On re-examination, Paramount and Dreamworks did reconsider their "fake" website supporting the fictional "film within the film", Simple Jack, and pulled the site off the web, apparently agreeing that promotion of the fictional film could indeed be seen as being insulting and inappropriate. There is a need for understanding and restraint on both sides, a need for respect and exchange. There is a place for civility and for irreverence. There is no need however for assimilation and capitulation to one way of thinking or to one person's, culture's or society's perceptions.

So in this we'll pass for today on taking the high road and instead do what we insist everyone has the right to do, use offensive and startling language to both anger and amuse. Go see Tropic Thunder and relish in the insensitive satire and to hell with the boycotts and high minded ideals attempting to ruin your good time. And with the greatest respect to their point, fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

We'll end by giving the stage over to the master. Not so much in an attempt to make our point but rather to simply point out the pointlessness to it all. The video below is a live performance of George Carlin's classic "7 Dirty Words". Carlin may be giving you the words but it's you who should find the meaning. If you don't agree - DON'T CLICK PLAY.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Coming to a theater near you.

2008-08-09T16:51:00.000-04:00

One of our favorite forms of satire is a great movie script and some of the best examples of great scripts turned into great films date all the way back to Chaplin. Unfortunately in a box-office climate of young audiences and technicolor saturated action, the satiric edge can have a hard time cutting through marketing budgets to find an audience. We'll occasionally make time to talk about the roll film humor plays in contributing to the satiric arts but we couldn't pass up a chance to give you a sneak peak at Robert De Niro's latest project. It's called What Just Happened?. Here's the trailer courtesy of our friends at TrailerAddict.com:

We're looking forward to taking a look at some of the classics of film satire as well as some of the upcoming crop that seem to find post-summer/pre-awards season audiences in the coming months and you can always find our take on the latest movie trailers at Moviedozer.com.

It's the economy model, stupid.

2008-07-29T12:48:00.000-04:00

Bitchin' about the price of gas? Before you start commiserating take a glance out into your driveway. Exactly what kind of fuel milage did you sign up for in the first place? If the answer is under 22 miles a gallon, get over yourself. If it's under 20 miles per gallon you're likely to be one of the first to get lynched when the fuel wars start in a couple of years. That's when you'll be scouring your neighborhood to find a place that can hide that school bus sized behemoth you've been driving and ditching the pictures of you and the kids wasting an extra thirty gallons of water just to wash the thing.

Americans can be incredibly difficult to get a handle on. Just as we do something clever, like actually opening our minds to considering a minority president, we're treated to a media happy feeding frenzy attacking the sound bites and video clips of a preacher we wouldn't elect to city council. As we promote "going green" through corporate press offices and contemplate how much arsenic is used to make the LCD panels in our computers, we're puffing carbon and ozone into the air like we were trying to fill country sized hot-air balloons. We see the science of global warming and the wisdom of "worldwide" treaties to open a forum for solutions but decline to participate based on petty politics. We place nothing but self preservation above accumulating wealth, then murder our resources to plus out profit percentages. We have that long standing "In God We Trust" endorsed smugness to back up our determination to be the ones with the most, the best and the deadliest while turning a world of potential allies into enemies because we won't talk to them. Go ahead, slap yourself on the back. If you live here, you participate. If you don't vote, you're worse.

And then we pass a gas station or check our fuel gauge and freak that gas has popped over four bucks a gallon. If you feel that burn rising up the back of your neck, hyper click out of here 'cause you're not going to like this...

(Picture just about every other country on the planet make a taunting face...) "NahNah, stupid Americans. Going to be cry babies 'cause your gas prices went up." (Well, you have to admit that our response to personal inconveniences has become dependably childish in this country.) The gas prices overseas, that conveniently distant place we only choose to deal with when we want to, have been well above ours for decades. Yes, there are places in the world where the price of gas is dirt (or should I say sand) cheap. Mark those places on the map. They'll be the same ones, a few decades from now, that will be in death throes to develop new bases for their economies. In the meantime, for how many decades have we seen this problem on the horizon? Are gas rationing passes just artifacts for ebay? We once lived in a time when everyone who drove knew their license plate number because it dictated which day of the week you were allowed to wait in a gas line. We shut down nuclear implementation, threw in the towel on coal and relegated wind and solar to curious novelties. We balk at tackling hydrogen and pure alternatives because they're just so hard. We won't even take our rail system, today not much more than full-scale models for our nostalgic toy trains, and turn it into a world class conveyance, making the smart and long term decision and recognizing how badly we managed one of the true American industrial revelations.

How pathetic is it that we're all moping around steamed about the price of gas? How idiotic must we look to the world beyond our coastlines? The news each morning brings with it a glimmer of hope. We selfish, fat-assed and consumption-obsessed Americans are actually cutting down the amount of miles we're driving. Dramatically. Son-of-a-bitch, that was the answer all along. The squeeze play. Right out of our own American pastime comes the solution, proud, true and oh so American. Pinch the wallet and force us to do what we should have been doing all along. Put on a tight squeeze, make it hurt just enough and suddenly everyone starts demanding action. God knows we have no desire to head these things off before they slam us hard enough to see reality. Mmmm, seems like there have been lessons coming that way quite a bit lately.

Still bitchin' about gas prices? Shut up and pay attention to those Americans who can't get jobs, can't feed families, can't stay healthy and can't manage essentials to get by to tomorrow. If you've figured out how to drive ten miles less a week, drive twelve less and give a few bucks to someone else who needs it. Park the Hummer and offer it to a marine state park as an artificial reef. I promise you, if we continue to wait 'til it hurts to motivate, they'll be a crisis looming far more serious than the price of gas. One when such a pointlessly delayed reaction won't cut it. Let's get this right now, fix it and stop being such an incredibly arrogant nation.

Are you Forbes material?

2008-07-23T11:00:00.000-04:00

What kind of man reads Forbes magazine? Captains of industry? World leaders? Self-made entrepreneurs? Boardroom barons? Mmmm, how 'bout listless daydreamers and wanna-bes? Actually it would seem even Forbes has a pretty good idea who's reading and more importantly, buying their magazine. Take look at the this screenshot of their online subscription ad...

So do you think any of those billionaires mentioned on the magazine cover are salivating over getting that free watch? Do you think that anyone that even works at Forbes, right down to the mailroom, would actually wear the thing? So just who is the reader of Forbes? Judging from the target audience for the ad, here's the profile we'd piece together...

a. Obviously male since there's not a "ladies" version of the "executive" timepiece. Though it does look suspiciously uni-sex.

b. Perhaps he's environmentally friendly since no gators were slaughtered but rather just posed as models for the realistically "embossed" band.

c. How should we put this, let's say "frugal". They are being offered 77% off the newsstand price after all, and we know they'd have to have at least $29.99 clear on a major credit card. Impressive.

d. Dripping with that bon vivant timeless style as they clearly would appreciate the "classic" watch face.

e. Quite fashion forward but troublesomely watch-less or perhaps the Timex just didn't match the new summer fashions.

f. When checking themselves in the mirror? We're betting they strike a pose pretty much the same as the guy pictured on the cover. And we'd bet they've got at least a buck for every letter in the word "billionaire". Nice.

Who reads Forbes? I think a better question is who's in charge of marketing subscriptions. Maybe it's time to force them into retirement. But hey, on the bright side, you can offer them pockets full of nice shiny executive watches as a parting gift. And if you're not chuckling yet, you will be next time you check out who's browsing an issue of Forbes at the local Borders.

"I'm an idea man, Chuck." - Billy Blazejowski, (Night Shift, 1982).

2008-07-18T11:00:00.000-04:00

Is this guy nuts or is he a genuis? Ahh, the age old question. Perhaps the ultimate goal of a creative mind is to find that perfect balance that allows the artist to perpetually dangle above disaster.

And this guy even gets the fish connection.

Enjoy this piece by filmmaker David Lynch for Atlantic.com.

Get it? Does it matter?

2008-07-14T18:26:00.000-04:00

Today, The New Yorker magazine unveiled it's current issue's cover illustration (dated July 21, 2008) and drew instant fire from American political circles. The illustration is pictured above.

Reportedly, Barack Obama's campaign (ever wonder who that actually refers to?), responded to the cover illustration, titled "The Politics of Fear" and drawn by Barry Blitt, as being "tasteless and offensive". The New Yorker in turn has defended the cover, calling it "satire" and pointing out that the cover was conceived to satirize the whirl of untruths that have plagued the Obama campaign, often taking the form of personal attacks on both Senator Obama and his wife. For the record, the McCain campaign has also called the cover "totally inappropriate".

The "problem" seems to be that the cover, taken in just a glance, seems to suggest and perhaps even reenforce the very untruths it is attempting to lampoon. Had this been a scene played out by comedic actors on an opener for SNL this Saturday night, would anyone have done anything more than laugh (or grimace)? But without a banner that signals satire, is the satire somehow less acceptable, less appropriate or somehow disallowed? Is the quick and negative reaction just another example of our growing social commitment to being 100% purely politically correct.

I would suggest that a joke is a joke regardless of who laughs and most definitely regardless of who gets it. If humor were only played to a knowing audience, satire would be censored and relegated to contraband. If you don't get Mark Twain is it any less socially relevant? If you don't find Richard Prior funny, should his recordings be destroyed or somehow sanitized. (I can't help but thinking that George Carlin would love to be coming back for some comments on this one.)

Satire doesn't need to be laugh out loud funny to make its point. Indeed, a twinge of outrage or indignation is often an equally valid reaction as laughter. It is not the responsibility of the satirist to properly "time" the joke or find socially acceptable context. It is the art of the satirist to be socially relevant and purposeful and in these measures the cover certainly succeeds.

We say lighten up. We also say get over it. As Americans, we live in a free society where we are privileged and sometimes confronted by free speech, whether those voices, in whatever form they take, agree with our own or not. We also answer to the lowest common denominator of intelligence. In a free society we are burdened with citizens whose lack of reason and wit may lead to a hardened belief in untruths based in rumor and prejudice, only for the fact that they so readily allow their ignorance to dominate their choices. At the same time we are also blessed with intelligent and informed citizens who shed light on our society through layered analysis, meaningful discourse, insight and yes, satire.

Should Barack Obama lose the November election due to an electorate that is, by a majority so ignorant as to base their vote in a free democratic election on falsehoods and prejudicial rumor, so be it. We will get what we deserve and should be ashamed for our casualness toward our civic responsibilities. I'd like to think that the bulk of American voters have already risen well above these concerns.

But then, perhaps not. Perhaps political commentary expressed in satire needs to take a far more obvious form. Get it?

Our thanks to The New Yorker for allowing the image of their July 21. 2008 issue to accompany this post. Our thanks too to Mad Magazine and E.C. Publications, Inc. a Warner Bros. Co. for their cover of Mad Magazine #471.

Hello, it's Hillary's ego calling.

2008-07-11T15:22:00.000-04:00

I think the call would go something like this...

"Hello Jeff, hi.... this is Hillary Clinton, Barack said it would be OK to give you a call. I understand from my friends over at the Obama campaign that you've already sent our next President a donation toward his nomination. That's so terrific Jeff, it makes me feel so good about our party. Well, you must know how close Bill and I are to Senator Obama and that's the reason I'm calling. You know, Senator Obama said, and by the way, isn't he just a lovely speaker, well, anyway, he said that I should give you a call because, well, being such a dedicated democrat and such a patriot and all, well he was sure you would be delighted to have a chance to help us in our efforts to support the senator and see that he gets elected this fall...

Just like you, Bill and Chelsea and I are all so anxious for him to get elected, in fact Bill and I will surely go out that night and raise a beer with some of the locals down at the pub to celebrate, well, but then I'm getting ahead of myself. Now, I know how hard things are in America right now for ordinary people like you and me and I know that we all have our bills to pay and we're all saving for that rainy day, but you know Jeff, sometimes we just need to look forward with optimism and invest in America's future, in our futures, and sometimes, and I think this is clearly one of those times, we just need to dig down and do our part so that this incredible country of ours can just keep firing on all cylinders, and you know how hard that can be with the price of gas these days. But Jeff, just imagine the price of jet fuel and just how many gallons one of those big jets burns up flying around this great nation of ours (and of course down to our good friends in sunny Puerto Rico), to spread the message of America and Freedom and make sure the whole country knows how much we need a democrat in the White House again. And you know, even though I was on the ballot to be the first woman President ever and Bill, well Bill would have been the first President to come back after 8 years and run th, I mean uhh, live... in the White House and Chelsea would have been the first child of a President to come back and one day run fo... well, ummm, I'm sorry, excuse me.... (pause)

... There, whew, sorry, just overheated a little bit there... well anyway, as I was saying, all of this running around the country and making speeches and running websites, and paying for all of those signs and placards and the hotels, and the meals and the confetti... well, expenses add up and, well, we were hoping, that is Barack and I were sure you would want to help, so I was just calling to see how much we could count on you and you're patriotism to help us with some of these pesky campaigning bills we still owe on? Jeff? Hello? ahhh, are you still there?... hello... Damn it Bill, I'll be off the phone in a minute... shouldn't you be busy booking a speech somewhere, yes, I know it wasn't your idea to run an extra two months, OK, I get it. Don't you need to get back to your office or something..., hello? Anyone still there? damn it!"

I'm imagining by, this point the line is just dead air with the muffled sound of my hysterical laughter as I'm rolling about the floor on my living room carpet, pumping my fist into the air and vaguely trying to recall where I stored my copy of the New York Times with the "Clinton Impeached" headline.

But if you're a true patriot, and total sap, by all means, send the Clintons a check. It will be a good reminder of how much it costs to feed an ego the size of an entire primary election.

On the other hand, if you're a supporter of serious change in American politics and the federal government, put your donations where they count, into the race for the whitehouse. You'll be making a difference in the causes you believe in and at the same time you'll be sending a message that Americans value their politics and don't give a flying ---- about the egos and grandiose ambitions of their politicians.

Hillary? Are you still there? Hang up the phone, you lost everyone who may have listened way back in March.

"I think he's attempting re-entry, Sir."

2008-07-08T15:23:00.000-04:00

That line was uttered by 007's long suffering gadget guy, "Q" in 1979's Moonraker. But it just may be a future excuse for not getting on the com lines with mission control. Though there's been as many years of speculation as there have been years of co-ed space missions (Sally Ride was the first woman to join an American space mission in 1983), NASA is not allowing any "Kiss and Tell". And as for those dutiful "mission-oriented" astronauts, well they know that silence is the only thing that will keep their names in the flight rotation.

Still you have to speculate a bit about these long term space station stays and the fact that there's now room for some seven crew members to cohabit the ISS, up from the previous full load of three. After last year's story broke about a NASA love triangle gone sour, it's at least clear that NASA's mission specialists may have some specialties that fall outside of the stated mission. So has NASA actually been setting up some off planet extracurricular activities? Is there already a 217 mile high club? Has some space couple already had a space mission to try space missionary? Not that anyone's likely to ever spill it to the press, but with long term missions in the planning for both the Moon and Mars in mind, here's our top ten space sex innuendos...

10. Moving the shuttle into launch position.

9. Spending time practicing docking maneuvers.

8. Re-aligning the main antenna array.

7. "Around the world" while actually going around the world.

6. Venting the pressure hose.

5. "You are go to initiate a three second burn."

4. In space, no one can hear you scream.

3. Going over to the "dark side". (Don't ask.)

2. Solid rocket booster separation.

And the number one space sex innuendo...

1. Now who's the man in the moon?

Go ahead... you know you want to. Let's hear 'em.

Leave it to a phone company to f--k things up.

2008-07-01T12:45:00.000-04:00

I have an original 8 gig iPhone. Yes, I bought it at full price a year ago. I got a hundred bucks back as an apology from Apple for doing what smart technology companies do, improving their product and lowering the price. Yes, the rebate was in the form of credit at the Apple store (which made perfect sense since, like all iPhone customers, I obviously buy things at the Apple store). I spent mine on purchasing OS X Leopard when it was introduced, allowing me to upgrade to the latest Apple OS for a negligible 30 bucks.

I really like my iPhone and so has every single person who's held it. Since my purchase, my phone's been improved three times through downloaded software updates adding new capabilities, new conveniences and new options, all of which haven't cost me a cent. I am awaiting the brand new release of iPhone OS later this month, which will be downloaded to me again, free of charge. No other phone I have ever owned has been up to date with it's equivalent model a full year later, let alone upgraded by the company that sold it to me, for free. If you write all of that off to being an Apple "fanboy", you're just being a dick. Apple got this thing right. Admit it.

Unfortunately, that's not the last say in the matter. What Apple has so smartly done, let AT&T completely f--k up. And here I'll insert a knock on Steve Jobs and gang... what the hell were you thinking? You had this right. You brilliantly executed the introduction of a brand new cellular device without any of the tried and true hassles of buying a new cell phone. A good product costs money. Value for the dollar. Providing a phone to the masses at a bargain price isn't the business you are or should be in. Anyone who's thinking a 200 dollar iPhone is a bargain is not a former user of one of the greatest systems for buying a new cellphone anyone had ever dreamed of.

Here's the scenario. You want to buy a new cellphone. About this time last year, for all but one product on the planet, that meant going to a cellphone provider and taking home badly designed hardware that used software seemingly written by aliens handicapped with some sort of logic impairment. But only after struggling face to face with the brain dead, non-synaptic responses from sales "reps" who have to be part of the most unskilled labor pool in America. As if cell contracts aren't complicated enough, lets sell them using rhesus monkeys.

However, if your buying choice was an Apple iPhone, you (smartly) waited a couple of days after the product intro, waltzed into an Apple store, said 4 or 8 gig, and paid. At home you plugged a dock into the USB port on your computer and opened iTunes. (On a mac, it recognized the phone and opened for you.) You answered a few questions, filled out some ID info and clicked. For most, you had a working, fully contracted (and legal) iPhone in a matter of minutes. No need to try to bribe the monkey behind the desk with bananas to speed things along.

That was then, this is now. For the price of the subsidy AT&T pays Apple for each new iPhone it will sell, customers who want the new phone will now watch helplessly as AT&T mucks it all up with the same old crap system they know and love. Say goodbye to the elegantly simple transaction. Say goodbye to the extraordinary convenience of buying off Apple's website. Say goodbye to secondary retailers being able to make access to iPhones swift and simple. Say goodbye to logic, intelligence and customer-centric service. Say hello to the asinine and convoluted procedures of an archaic behemoth who understands forward thinking products and forward thinking customers as well as a claw hammer understands a porcelain vase.

Now that Apple has developed an astonishing piece of pocket electronics and refined it into a new, nearly all purpose communication and entertainment device, AT&T has devised a way to make the act of buying the phone more complicated than using the phone. As of today there appear to be at least three different ways to buy a new iPhone. One, the one touting that new low price, is pretty much the grin & bear it routine I've outlined. Another will be to buy the phone without "qualifying" for the best price (yeah, I'm lost already too), so apparently there'll be the mandatory hassles but at a higher purchase price (a little AT&T thank you for already being a customer). There's also an announcement today that iPhones will become available (future date unannounced) for purchase without having to buy a contract by paying at least 100 bucks over the price of the original phone. That puts it into the 6 & 7 hundred dollar area. Now there's progress.

Here's our advice Apple. Jam the low prices, price the thing at 3 & 4 hundred bucks, open the phone so users can pick their own providers and get back to the business of innovation. If cable companies, as providers of the internet, were to sell your computers the way you're allowing AT&T to broker iPhones, Apple would be going down for the last count.

Or wait, here's an idea. Screw the phone part of things, slam those GPS chips into the iPod Touch and we're back in business. The iPhone has become so much more than a phone anyway. We'll just keep using the old original and move into the future on the iPod. Sure, carrying the extra device sucks but think of the satisfaction of never having to walk into an AT&T store. Now that would be progress.

And let me show you where you can put the Clydesdales.

2008-06-26T16:00:00.000-04:00

Is there just nothing sacred in America anymore? Last week that movie guy Spielberg lets it spill that he's taking Dreamworks, dumping Paramount, and likely jumping under the sheets with a Bollywood investor from India. Now some Brazilian playboy CEO named Carlos Brito wants the keys to one of America's most fundamentally American institutions, the Anhueser-Busch brewery. Yes, if you can get past mostly naked and gorgeous dancing women strutting down a boulevard gyrating to steel drum music, there's finally a reason to be pissed at Brazil. (As far as that Spielberg thing, let's keep our priorities straight, right now we're talking about beer.)

For those of you who love Budweiser and are reading this first thing after you woke up, there's probably still a little day light left and you might want to take that shower you were thinking about last week. You'll want to settle in, cause this is going to be upsetting. InBev (whatever kind of name THAT is for a company) has sent this Brito guy over here to try to convince Missouri's state officials that selling Bud out to a foreigner would be a good thing. (Can't we just wrap all of this up by putting this guy on some kind of homeland security watch list?) Anyway, seems InBev is owned by the Belgians and the Brazilians. You'd think that putting a country that drinks a lot together with a country best known for staging wild naked street parties would seem like a good thing, but some people just can't be happy with their own little slice of paradise. Now they're planning to invade America and pry away our very own source of cheap beer, that you don't mind spilling all over the place on a drunken binge.

Mr. Brito from InBev met with St. Louis lawmakers on Tuesday and, according to STLtoday.com & reporter Deidre Shesgreen, he had this to say... "I came here to talk about how excited we are. This is such a great thing for the city of St. Louis.", adding they wanted to take the Budweiser brand and "unleash it to the world". Uhhh... are there places on the planet that don't know about Budweiser? Have they heard of beer? Do we care? Isn't it enough that there are places that still haven't heard of fresh water and personal hygiene? Is loading coolers in mud huts with Bud Lights a humanitarian priority? Or wait, maybe this is really about stealing the idea for the Bud Bowl? Perhaps some convoluted plot to buy up Bud and then sell the Clydesdales to some Arab Sheik? It certainly smells like there's something else going on here.

And what of all the other Budweiser assets? Who for example would custody of Louie and Frankie, the Budweiser Chameleons? Who gets to go for laps in the Miss Budweiser tear-ass racing boat? How are we ever going to get to hang with the Bud Girls? Will American's have to go to the back of the line to ride all of those rollercoasters at Busch Gardens? You know there really aren't many things named Busch in this country that we can be proud of. And who's going to look after Shamu? This has impact far beyond a few billion bottles of beer. This is no less than an invasion by foreigners of our constitutionally (sort-of) guaranteed rights. Isn't it? Who's with me here?

Speaking on behalf of all beer loving Americans, Sen. Claire McCaskill, D-Mo (and an Obama supporter), is quoted to have said, "We do not have a "For Sale" sign on our front lawn in America." Whereupon she apparently shared a Bud with Mr. Brito and reiterated that she felt the sale was a "bad idea" and that she would do "everything I could to stop the sale from going through..." She apparently stopped short of threatening the use of nuclear weapons but is rumored to have threatened to get the beer-and-a-shot guzzling Hillary Clinton involved, since Clinton has taken on her new role as Democratic strong-arm and defender of the working class. Brito was then sent on his way back to Brazil with a DVD of Hillary's campaign speeches and the bar tab.

We were so outraged by this potential hostile takeover that we did a little checking up on this so called "InBev". Turns out that their website (Inbev.com) spouts all kinds of suspicious propaganda. Take a look and you'll find talk of so called "responsible brewing", "corporate governance", and some mumbo-jumbo about a "global citizenship report". Sounds to me like they've all ready begun keeping tabs on our people. This is 1984 all over again. Didn't a lot of those Nazi guys go hide out in Brazil after the war?

I'm not saying anything nefarious is going on here, 'cause frankly we can't afford the lawsuits, but it is damned un-American to sell an American brewery company to... well, un-Americans. In the interest of fairness and since the weekend begins tomorrow, just to show that we American's can be a fair and non-judgemental lot, I'll be laying in a case of InBev's brand, Stella Artois lager. Yes, I'll force myself to drink this foreign concoction while trying to keep an open mind and a global economy perspective (at least for the first two bottles). Where can you find this foreign invader's exotic brew? Actually, it's pretty much everywhere, it's imported by Anheuser Busch.

The infinite echo of laughter.

2008-06-23T13:22:00.000-04:00

We have so much more to say about this man, but today, like so many others, we'll just reflect on years of laughter. Our prayers and our warmest condolences to friends and family.

One man's busted levee is another man's dam.

2008-06-21T13:11:00.000-04:00

Suppress your urge to fire off an email for a minute, I don't think there's anything funny about the mid-west flooding. I do think that there's a lesson for the country in the way different people face hardship and loss. I also think that there's a perspective on humanity that shouldn't be lost in tens of feet of flood water on a small town neighborhood or in the currents of the relentless surge of a muddy river.

As 24 hour news inundates us with imbecilic reporters wading into chest high waters in front of some family's lost home or destroyed business, for effect, the devastation to human lives and property is, as typical in these events, overwhelming. It's what makes all of us harbor some true disgust for content hungry 24 hour news services.

What seems truly tragic here is the inevitability of disaster that awaits towns down river. The idea that there are families, elderly, business owners, communities, sick and healthy, able and handicapped, all faced with an oncoming assault by a river that is simply moving to spill it's excess into the gulf. A tragedy of nature and gravity, as inescapable as the physics that control everything in the natural world. With days of warning, watching towns higher North succumb, those in wait can only prepare. That preparation being the consuming activity of neighbors, communities and total strangers.

In some of that news coverage, I caught the comments of a middle-age man from some nondescript town waiting for the inevitable deluge to reach his property. He said that he was uncomfortable that word of a levee break farther north felt like good news. That every levee breech somewhere up river meant less water heading toward him. For this man of simple means and values, feeling any sense of relief at another's hardship stirred uncomfortable and guilt-like emotions. A sense that no one should harbor relief as kindred souls suffer. That, for me, is a defining quality of the American midwest. Cornball and Frank Capra, these stereotypical traits of behavior-based values are a true and proud tradition. Tradition based on a history of compassion and of common sense.

We're an odd lot when it comes to facing down tragedy. Our oft-felt instinct is to make jokes. Humor, after all, can help mask our grief, help dissipate our anger and even help misdirect from our embarrassment. So typically in bad taste, our willingness to default to laughter can desensitize us from our responsibilities and pervert our social awareness. Jokes about our shuttle tragedies, our murders and assassinations, our international wars and our national disasters, bloom like weeds in a decimated garden. When levees broke and floods drowned New Orleans, a bumbling local and federal government response pushed portions of a tired and frustrated population to extreme and erratic behavior. To say there is no shame in that behavior is ignorant and untrue. To say that humor based in that tragedy is simply human nature is sad.

Our premise in these essays is that Satire is Reason. Our scope in that premise is expanded in the light of the flooding that engulfs so much of the midwest as I write. Satire indeed does illuminate reason, even when that satire, as applied to tragedy within our human condition, takes on it's most inappropriate and insensitive form. Humor then defines our weakest qualities rather than our best. We feel shame, so we joke to dismiss. We feel anger so we laugh to release. We feel loss so we attempt humor rather than weep. But when we feel pride, a sense of belonging, fellowship and commitment of purpose, we revel in our common humanity. The lack of joking then illuminates the reason in our ability to transcend our common weaknesses and rise above.

There are no cruel jokes from our nation as we look on the midwest and are heart sicken at their plight. Yet, in those tested and strained faces, we see smiles. In the struggle they wage against overwhelming natural force, we see hope and resolution. The laughter present in videos and pictures and in their words, is not a response to fatalistic humor, but a genuine bond of kindred spirit and the humanity of shared purpose standing together against common challenge. There are no jokes needed to provide escape. We don't laugh as we watch, we applaud.

A Reasonable Start.

2008-06-19T12:03:00.000-04:00

Here it is, the first post of a brand new blog right here on the world wide web. Just what the world has been holding it's breath for. Excited? Well, you should be. We're not going to hit you with lots of exposition but that name up there has real meaning, well for us at least. So let us endeavor to enlighten.

In a world as complicated as this one, a political, economic, cultural and social stew that seems perpetually close to boiling over or cooking down to a burnt crust of wasted resources, it's still doesn't take much struggle to see commonality. In fact, only a quiet moment is enough to reflect on the ageless impulse to laugh, sing and to smile, as children do with so little cause or consciousness. The commonality extends too, unfortunately, to anger, intolerance and violence, though curiously not until we learn these global traits of human "instinct". To have learned is to have been taught. A shame we bear in allowing ourselves to forgo understanding by denying a more peaceful nature.

Like the the smell of the air after a hard (not acid) rain, or the natural beauty of an unsoiled (albeit rare) landscape, laughter and lightness of heart are blessings to be savored. As would a tale of Mark Twain, a barroom worn drinking song or a Shakespeare sonnet, the communication of a smile passed along to our fellow man can shed great understanding among us and push light into even the darkest corners of the human psyche. Some would say a rather lofty ambition for digital pixels only able to draw language on distant computer screens. Ah, but where would we be without our egos?

So it is, "Satire is Reason" describes the premise exactly. A point of view, in this case delivered crusted in sarcasm, to offer a glint of understanding in a hard to understand world. This is decidedly a personal journey for writer and reader and so we extend to you the constant opportunity to swap roles. You may swap at will. That comment button at the end of each post isn't just a programmers extravagance. Click and engage. Your mind, your mouth and your reason. And please, also your humor. Tell us when we get it right. Tell us when we fall flat. Tell us off, show us a new direction, open a new conversation. Engage, wholly, openly and repeatedly. Make us laugh. We have no idea where you live and we won't tell anyone what you said. Click and join in whatever community forms here. We are in need of finding some understanding too, and doing so by laughing along seems like the most painless way to start.

These posts will not come daily, not on some regimented schedule and not entirely with any true justification. Like the daydreams we had on May afternoons, sitting in a fourth grade classroom on a sunny day, they'll just come. And quite often we expect, to the detriment of everything else going on around us. If an irregular happenstance puts you off, accept our lack of discipline as an intriguing mystery and make your visits here to check on us part of the adventure that unfolds as you search for clues. Just don't expect to ever find a neat and tidy ending. (And never expect us to tell you who done it, or for that matter, just what was done.)

As for the fish swimming around up there in the logo, well that's another story I don't think we're quite ready to explain yet. Allow him/her (it's a bit undecided as of yet) to blow bubbles and observe. To swim, feed and dream. A suitable pastime as we struggle with our thoughts, like the fish, not too shallow, not too deep, skimming along between surface and sand, nicely balanced.

Thanks for dropping in at SiR.

Jeff Rabouin

President

SparxLab Projects

For those who are curious, that's Astronaut John Glenn up there pondering our planet's place in the universe back around 1962. Just above, a bit of progress. Thanks to NASA for allowing the use of their photographs and providing an illustrative argument for reaching toward understanding.